A murder mystery

So I get home from a financial planning class at 8.49 pm. On my way home, I stopped to buy milk and iceberg lettuce. Oh..and an apple.

(but not just any apple. This is a HONEYCRISP apple. Like seriously, have you had one yet? It's all in the name. Sweet. Sweeter than any other apple you've EVER had. I could get a cavity from this apple, it's so sweet, and I'd love that cavity, because it would remind me of that one time I had a delicious honeycrisp apple. And crunchy too! It's that classic 'crunch of an apple' sound when your teeth rip into it and pull of a chunk big enough that you say "wow what a big chunk of apple. I wasn't expecting such a mouthful" and you get to enjoy a mouthful of  sweet deliciousness that is this apple for longer than you had budgeted time for and you end up closing your eyes, smiling, and enjoying every delicious bite until--you've missed your bus--but that's okay. you brought two apples to the bus stop, and you will wait for the next bus.)

At the cashier, I ask for no bags (to save the environment..though it's screwed anyway) and entered the house with a handful of food and notes from the class. I spill it all out on to the counter and notice the grapes are out. Ugh. warm grapes are like dirty socks. Like crazy psycho racist grandparents that tell you stories t. Like having to use a plunger. Let's just avoid those. Quade did some shopping, it seems, as those grapes are new.

But where's Quade?

I figure he's downstairs, possibly editing the guitar tracks we recorded tonight. I wander down to say hi, and tell him i bought milk (cuz that's big news). "Hey Quade," I call, approaching the control room. No reply. I look in, and he's got a computer screen full of blinking, unanswered MSN conversations, but he's fast asleep.

 I turn to walk away. I figure I'll go play some guitar. But half way up the stairs, I start thinking.

What if he's dead?

What if he wasn't asleep in that arm chair, but was in fact dead?

Dang....That would be a lot of paperwork.

So as I took off my coat, cracked open a Growers, and sat on the couch, I thought about how if he was in the basement, dead (not sleeping), and it was ruled a suspicious death, I, JOSH MANERIKAR would be top suspect. I had to justify why I'd be found innocent. If I couldn't find a reason  why I wasn't the murderer, I knew I had to go and actually check to make sure he wasn't dead--for my sake.

So... I left for the class at 6.05pm. He was alive, making a hot dog for dinner. I came back, and he was asleep. Would my alibi hold? Luckily, yes, because my parents are also attending this class with me. "okay," the prosecutro would say, "but maybe you killed him before you left." Gah..I thought about this and--wait. He sent me a text while I was there to tell me to go shopping for milk and lettuce (the apple was totally my idea. and it was the best idea all day. UNLIKE buying A&W two days in a row..ugh) so that gets me out of that problem. "okay," says the prosecutor, "but maybe you killed him after you got home!"

So as he lays dead/sleeping downstairs right now, I need to find a logical reason why I didn't kill him when I got home. I mean, it's practically sacriligious to leave the grapes out to get warm...but I wouldn't KILL over that, would I? WOULD I?!

I don't know :-(

Nevermind. He just came upstairs...and he's alive. :D

lonely cops+ cute girls+desperate criminals = happy criminals

So last week was basically a weekend, which was sweet. Thursday was FST, Friday I attempted to go see Sweeney Todd, the play, and ended up only seeing half of it. After seeing the second half, I was okay with missing the first half. Although, let me tell you, girls who go to plays are my type. And not because they like plays. Saturday I played poker, and sunday night I slept 13 hours. To top it off, my ONE class today was canceled.

I promised an story involving police, criminals, and your every-day-hero Josh. Actually, it's not much of a story. I took a slightly extended lunch break at work to go home and eat. Upon returning, I parked next to a white Dodge Caravan that had no middle or back windows and a metal gate just behind the drivers seat. I had never seen one of these before, and thought it was quite strange, as it was also unmarked. I peered inside, and saw 15 debit pinpads sitting on the seat. Um...that's not normal, is it? We've had a few incidents of pin pad scams in the last couple years, so I was a bit concerned. I asked my friend (who is very knowledgeable on the subject of law) and he said it was pretty strange. I ended up calling the cops and they said they'd be right over to look at it.

It was 2.5 hours later when they showed up, and the van was gone. however, they did spend 20 minutes 'interrogating' the girl at customer service. Flirting is easy when you're a cop, I guess. They never talked to me, and left with a smile on their face, waving at the customer service girl.

Don't blame me when millions of dollars are lost to the criminals. Blame cute girls and lonely cops instead.

They be the real threat.

Haha...oh.

I'm stackin apples on a dreary Sunday morning (today), just waiting for time to stop kicking its feet and start racing along, when I see something that immediately makes me smile. A man walks into the department wearing those 'Groucho Marx' moustache glasses that we used to get at birthday parties when we were kids:

He looks pretty young, so I figure he's just doing it for a good laugh. I chuckle and nod at him, but he doesn't break character. He remains pompous and aloof, strolling slowly down the aisle with quiet determination. As he gets closer, I turn to say something to him and stop dead. They aren't glasses at all. That is his face. His real face. Like..dead on replica. He glared at me as I slowly turned around, unable to wipe the expression of confused shock off of my own face.

Working an auto show last year, two people came up to me and asked a couple questions about one of the cars. After a very brief talk, I said

J: "have a good day, sir."

Person: "What? I'm not a sir."

J: [Turns and walks away]

I've only been glared down with such murderous eyes a couple times in my life. But I tell you honestly, I'm still not sure if that person was lying for a joke, or maybe confused. You would  have made that mistake too. Although, I've got a long record of getting myself into these awkward situations...so yeah...She was probably a she, and I'm just looking for trouble.

You know we're in trouble when...

 I'm sitting around on my 'break' at Safeway, reading Rolling Stone Magazine..the one with Madonna on the cover. Flippin through the pages, I read something about Dave Grohl's new band, Thom Yorke's new band ( a growing trend?), and then suddenly--There's a four page article with like 8 pictures about the pollution in our ocean, and how it's wiping out the population of albatross by 40% and used big technical words like 'doldrums' and chemical compound names that made my brain go fuzzy.



How bad is it that Rolling Stone Magazine, the forefront entertainment and musical arts publishing on the continent feels the need to throw in an article about how we are killing the planet. I had to stop and remember that I wasn't reading a National Geographic article here. I flipped the page, and...ah...there we go. Some guy with a handlebar moustache and an article about Motörhead. That's better. Stick to pop culture, RS.

Although, I suppose Green is the new black.

"The NEW three R's: Reduce, Reuse, and Rockstar!"

How To Make Tomato Sauce (A Comic)

A (hypothetical) confrontation between me and a grumpy customer. I'm not even going to tell you how long this took....Enjoy?

Life....oh that four letter word.

This post is all about home.


So I've spent the last few days mind-numbingly sick. Quade forced some random unmarked pills down my throat today, so hopefully by tomorrow i'll be feeling a bit better.


And yet in spite of my deathly sickness, i've been in a really good mood. Part of it is because when I went to bed at 8:30pm last night, it was dark. Like Winter-Style. It's coming guys. sorry. but it is. I'm not at all ready for the snow and wind, but i like the dark. It makes the house feel warmer, the indoor lights shine brighter. Sunshine, butterflies, and rainbows: no thanks. NEEDING a hot cup of tea as soon as I stumble in from the biting cold...mmm.

I'm also in a good mood because I'm feeling good about my situation right now. After an interesting and inexplicable weekend of viewing life in a more long term and "anything is possible" and "where will I be in three years" kind of way, I realised that , I could name four friends who had called me, talked to me, messaged me, or texted me in the last 12 hours. and quade was happily playing a new song he had written downstairs. Tonight, I thought, i'm happy. I can't try and predict where I'll be or what I'll be doing in even a year. I'm in school (with a degree in mind), i'm in a band (which has only recently become a very positive experience), and I'm attempting to meet new people and get a 'real' job. I'm even writing music again. That's good enough for now....if only I could stay healthy. Pass the unmarked medication.


Wait...hold on. I have to back up the part where I said I've been in a really good mood. Scratch that. I've only been in a really good mood when I'm at home. Every day when I go to Safeway, I suddenly get extremely bitter and frustrated about everything. My co-workers are now seeing a side of me that I didn't even know I had. I don't exactly know why EVERYTHING is sending me into an angry rage, but I don't like it. I'm usually the happy carefree guy. not the guy who throws a half box of asparagus across the cooler into the garbage because someone couldn't bother to put out a WHOLE box of asparagus. you can ALWAYS put out the whole box of asparagus! And why did Bob (the manager) order 7 cases of CABBAGE? CABBAGE!! It'll take weeks to sell that much! GYAH!

brreeaaaattthhheee...


but as soon as I get home and hear Quade telling lame jokes and watch Darcy crunching the latest financial statistics about how much money we are spending, I can relax. West Swine Nile flu or not, I'm living a good life....for now.

Billy O in one conversation

This is my post in honor of Billy O, who has put in his 2 weeks notice at Safeway (good on ya, lad). He is a regular stoner and aspiring lawyer. He never worked too hard and didn't hear half of what anyone said to him, but because his name is Billy O and he rode to work on a longboard, he was well liked. The following conversation with our assistant produce manager defines him:

Lynn: Billy O, you didn't fill the bananas before you went home last night, so i had to do it this morning.

BillyO: What was that?

Lynn: Billy O, you didn't fill the bananas before you went home last night, so i had to do it this morning.

Billy O: Well I was busy working on the apples.

Lynn: Well you know it's my biggest pet peeve here when bananas are empty in the morning.

Billy O: Well you know it's my biggest pet peeve to fill bananas, so what are we going to do about that?

Honestly, people.

There is a difference between yams and sweet potatoes.



Let's examine, shall we?

People come into Safeway and tell me "Psshh...same thing!"


NO.

Not true.

One important point to begin with is that they do look quite different. Yams are grown on a vine and are also known as tubers. Some have grown as long as five feet. On the other hand, the sweet potato is grown in the earth and does in fact resemble a potato but it is only distantly related to the potato.

Sweet Potatoes: light and fluffy...like mashed potatoes and yummier.
Yams: harder and yammier.

geez.

Get it straight.

There's A First Time For Everything...

There's many things I'd like to do. This is one of them. I suppose we'll have to wait and see if I actually accomplish something here. It'll be something new and exciting for a while, which makes it easier. Hopefully, when the novelty wears off, habit will take over since some things get easier with time. Here we go.

Tomorrow, I head off to Vancouver and Victoria for 5 days or so. The primary reason is to see Coldplay (one of my top 6 favourite bands ever), but I'm just looking forward to getting away for a while. I can't say life has been monotonous and that this vacation will be a break from boredom. Watching the roller coaster that is my bank account has been thrilling enough. Moving out is expensive, and I had only just finished paying off various debt before calling 3344 Boulton Rd home. Money is definitely one of the things that really stresses me out. People say money can't buy happiness. I dunno about that. I can sincerely tell you that I feel waaay better knowing I have money to blow on traveling, friends, or heck..just to pay for University. So while I'll probably penny pinch the whole time I'm in BC, i'll be glad to know that i'm unable to pick up extra shifts, work more overtime, or have to wake up super early to catch the train to work. Time to relax!

I'll keep this short, but end with an good story.

I'm stackin' appples in Safeway, and an 50 year old man comes up to me and says, "Do you know what Gruyere is?"

"No...and we don't carry it in produce."

"I think it's a kind of cheese. My wife sent me here to shop for dinner ingredients."

That's the general trend with older guys alone in the store. They are lost, confused, and feel vulnerable. It's pretty funny how few guys can accurately label things like green onions and turnips. I smile, "OK, well it'll probably be down in the Deli with the other fancy cheeses..." and we proceed to walk to the far end of the store in search of these fancy cheeses. The entire time we walk, he complains about how his wife makes such complicated meals and how she's so picky about the ingredients. I politely nod and chuckle, find him a chunk of Gruyere, and decide to stop biting my tongue. "Hey, man. You should be thankful she cooks at all for you. At least she's not making macaroni and cheese, right?"

He squints at the block of cheese in his hand and shakes it in the air. "That's the thing," he says, "She IS making macaroni and cheese."