The Silence of Wisdom, the Brashness of Youth

The fulfilling ambiance of the empty room

The flickering light darkness dares not consume

The call of a voice with no face I can match

A memory faded--no name to attach

Press on feeble heart still in search of a truth

Yet unknown and unfavored, courageous, uncouth

Reveal the secrets with mind's claw and soul's tooth

Of the silence of wisdom, the brashness of youth

The purpose intangible, unknown and disguised

Reflecting horizons buried deep in your eyes

Stride forth in pursuit, onward to some end

Claim success/exploit hindsight, 'victory' you'll pretend

In spite of false progress and, in consequence, pain

Ever blinded by feverish faith still you feign

You cry starward for justice-you trust this, but why?

The law that you seek lives not in the sky

That death may bring answers we live on to enquire

Through science and love, conversations 'round fire

We anticipate freedom from the shackles of earth

Seek solace in no less than the spirit's rebirth

Chase on, restless lover of learning the wonders

Pursue secrets and magic as spiritual plunder

Eternally eludes your logic and steel

It's not easily cornered, not meant to reveal

Restless I wander and wonder and woe 

Wherever whenever whyever I go

Fate, luck, chance and choice through each high and low

Prove time and again to be both friend and foe

(and so)

Press on feeble heart still in search of a truth

Yet unknown and unfavored, courageous, uncouth.

Reveal the secrets with mind's claw and soul's tooth

Of the silence of wisdom, the brashness of youth.

Two Paths Diverged...

Written by hand, when I could not sleep. 2.55am.

I approached a fork in the road. ‘Two paths diverged’ ahead, though not in opposite directions: neither path veered away, but only gradually did they drift apart. Entirely unremarkably, one road seemingly paid the other no attention. Nonchalant. Indifferent.  Faced with this junction, I analyzed both choices. Neither looked particularly worse or better. They were all but indistinguishable; everything I knew about what lay ahead on each path I had learned from the past. They would inevitably lead to further junctions, bends, twists, hills and other geographical oddities that ornament the days of all our lives with trials and decisions, problems and solutions.

I cannot remember the first fork in the road that I passed, but it would have marked the moment where my mind became self aware, and understood the intangible concept of choice (and its logical consequence “WHAT IF?”). I would have chosen the left or the right, depending on some conditions or factors that hindsight would have later rendered unimportant. Trivial. Irrelevant. What matters is that the choice had been made. One foot in front of the other, I would have strode forth, cautiously optimistic and yet with one eye on the adjacent and meandering path that was not chosen.  No doubt my mind would have been keen to remember that choice, and as the unchosen path meandered alongside, I would see it begin to drift away, aiming for the horizon.  But before that path would have reached its goal and drifted out of sight (or was it I that had drifted?), I would have seen it fork, then fork again. Simultaneously, the path I would have been traveling on would split as well, and I would be forced to make another choice before moving forward. At that moment, I would look behind me to the previous fork, trying to reiterate and recapture my reasoning and motives that had ultimately made me choose this path. Consistency would be key in reaching any goal. Contradiction would lead me in circles.

Then I would have glanced to the path not chosen and its various forks, bends, weaves. Each fork had two arrows, essentially road signs presenting the two options. I would not have been able to read the arrows: my path had drifted too far from the other; it was now shrouded in the deceptive fog of the unknown. Knowing I should not be concerned with the unknown paths, I walk forward choosing, say, the path to the right (or was it that path to the wrong? To the left?) At the consistent rate at which time passes, I would have made these decisions, each choice adding to the myriad of possibilities that could have been chosen. I assume this is how the story of my first choices went, because I do not remember.

At night, I would stop and sleep, and I know that the dreams in my head was simply my spirit skipping across the yellow fields to other paths, seemingly at random. Had I made different decisions, those dreams might have been a reality, for better or for worse, and I would be dreaming of my current situation. Not in the ‘there’ of my dreams. Those paths could have been chosen, but they were not.

Where might I have ended up if I had chosen the other path when making my very first decision, that ignition of the Primary Choice? Those paths have long disappeared over my horizon. Or have they? Perhaps at some point the other paths have joined to the one I am presently on. I have noticed other roads merge with mine in the past. Surely there must be multiple ways, varying methods of reaching the same end? If they all end up at the same point, then fate has a firm clutch on my mind and soul, and stopping to ponder each direction could be viewed as a waste of precious moments of life. I would just be a rat in a maze and it’s only a matter of time until I find the one way out. And as I ponder the value of pondering...it strikes me that every path essentially does lead to the same destination: they all lead to the unknown -it actually doesn’t matter which one you take, they DO all have that consistent destination. Hence, fate might as well exist. I do not know whether this is tragic or cause for celebration. Another path to choose, I suppose. My mind wanders...

Here I stand at this present dilemma, seeing two seemingly identical paths only slightly deviating from each other. One to the left, one to the right. Of course, I seem them as virtually identical now, but in time I will look back and I will not be able to imagine a starker and more fundamentally contrasted set of options as the ones I am faced with presently.

Now suddenly, I begin to question the rules to this game. Say I choose the left path, and as I wander along it, I keep my eye on the unchosen alternatives. I imagine I frown as I realize I might have been happier on the right path. Can I turn around, trace back my steps to the junction of importance and select a new route? Is there a way that I can I return to the point I was at? I might not necessarily regret the path I chose, as it would have given me its own share of life experiences, and the wisdom and knowledge to know I would not make that choice again. Can I change directions in mid-swing, drop everything and run?

I would suppose that if I tried to turn around and run back, the result would be similar to those dreams, nightmares where no matter how hard I try to run backwards to the junction of concern, I gain not one inch of ground. I glance ahead again. It’s impossible to tell if my current path will meet up with the desired goal. Curse the fog of the unknown! It feels unwise to continue this direction when I have no passion for it.

Uncertainty might seem to slow me down, but then I think of the hunter tracking the herd. He saw the deer herd bolt out of sight when alerted to his presence. They headed west, but the hunter does not simply set his compass west in pursuit of the goal. Instead he stares at the ground, cautiously tracing the tracks. He knows that if he runs west, eyes on the empty horizon, he will never catch his prize. Only by following the footprints one at a time will he have any chance of reaching his wandering, elusive goal. It would take patience, to be sure. But the only way to not lose grasp of the goal is to not lose sight of the plan. One step at a time.

Presently, I still stand at this fork. I know I will not be able to turn back once I choose, but that each final decision leads to more final decisions. Only by keeping my eyes on the trail directly in front of me, and only by keeping my mind on the goal, will I have any hope of finding satisfaction. With that, I need to pause to determine the goal, and then the plan. 

Because even though all roads lead to the unknown, we still have the freedom to decide what we want to learn, know, understand along the way...and it’s ultimately wanting to make these choices and taking the initiative to imagine our own opportunities that gives rise to each divide in the road. Carry on.

Some Days...

....everything just turns out right. You drop your pen, but catch it mid air, so as to save you from bending down an extra two feet. Points!

...you wake up and feel okay about not feeling okay about getting out of bed. And you know that's okay, but you still gotta get up, and you're okay with that too.

...people call you instead of you calling them all the time. This feels good.

...you're so swamped with stressays and tests and projects--but you feel a subtle calm throughout it all.

...singing out loud feels like a pretty natural thing to do.

...your hair seems become one with your soul, and precisely expresses your personality.

...you hope that future you will remember this day as a clear vignette of who you were, even as other memories start to fade.

...small victories seem more important than the big loss.

...are just another day. ...or so you think.

...feel like something resembling a new beginning, for no specific reason---

--like that split second when you wake up, 

and you have no idea who or where you are.

 ---like a White Blank Page in the middle of a book. 

Reading along, word by word, line by line

but this page requires a second look.

White Blank Page

Mumford and Sons

Good Morning.

Some days...it's time to wake up.

Afraid of Fear + Breaking The Silence

 Afraid of Fear

J:I am afraid.

Afraid of what?

J:I don't know.

You don't know what you are afraid of?

J:No...I am afraid of what I do not know.

You are afraid of the unknown?

J:Maybe that's it. I don't know that either.

Ah..there's many things you don't know. In fact, what do you know?

J:The past.

And yet the past offers no comfort to you, does it?

J:No. It is the future that is the concern. The Future is the Unknown.

So if the past is of little use, then what relevant knowledge do you possess?

J:I suppose the only thing I know is that I don't truly know anything.

You said you are afraid of what you do not know. So you're afraid of everything?

J:No. I'm not afraid of what I can control.

If you know nothing, then how can you control anything?

J:Can I not control without knowledge?

What is control, then, if you neither know what you control, nor how to control it?

J:I guess I can never be sure I'm in control of anything.

If you cannot be sure, then you can never be in control, can you? And if you cannot control anything, then the question stands: are you afraid of everything you cannot control?

J:I am not afraid of that which I cannot control; I am afraid that I have no control. I feel powerless.

So your lack of control is what scares you.

J:Yes, I feel vulnerable. Vulnerability can be scary. That I know for sure.

If you acknowledge you cannot be in control of anything, then the problem is not trying to gain power over life, but instead to be at peace with your vulnerability.

J:It is only a natural instinct for me to want to protect myself.

From what?

J:The unknown.

But I thought we already--

J:--yes, I know. We agreed I don't know anything.

So then from what do you need protection? Everything? What shield can you carry that will protect you from the unknown, and therefore everything? 

J:There is no such shield.

So then how do you fight the unknown?

J:I guess you cannot defend from it but only attack.

Ah..for what purpose?

J:If I strike out into the territory of the unknown and cover as much land as possible, then I can at least have a glimpse of certainty.

And that will give you control?

J:No...I may be able to walk through the land of the unknown and see things that shed light on my life, but those lands are not under my control.

Is that better than running from the unknown?

J:It's risky, I suppose. But as the Future changes to the past, I will then gain knowledge of what IS, rather than hiding and wondering what could have been.

So...you would find peace in moving forward and taking risks in order to see what is possible. Then why don't you do it?

J:Fear, still.

Not fear of the unknown?

J:no.

Not fear of the lack of control?

J:no.Fear that from the lack of control of the future, it remains to me unknown whether success is possible or not.

Fear, then, of...

J:...Failure. Yes. I am afraid that in traveling the lands of the unknown, I will have experiences that do not benefit me. And it is that possibility of pain that keeps me from action, from letting down my flimsy shield, and from charging into the unknown.

What kind of experiences?

J:People might lie. They might hurt me. If I open up, then they can take everything from me, and I will be worse off.

Have people not lied to you already? Have they not hurt you and taken more than you thought you could stand to lose?

J:Yes. That has already happened to me.

And what happened next?

J:I'm standing here, afraid.

Afraid that it might happen again?

J:Yes. Afraid that I will be hurt again.

You won't.

J:Really? How do you know?

Because if you continue to live in fear, then you will never be able to open up, and if you never open your heart to anyone, then they cannot take a thing from you. But this is only possible if you continue to live in fear.

J:I cannot live in fear. I don't want to. I also do not want to get hurt.

The only way to move past the hurt is to open up again. And, yes, that can be frightening. It is an ongoing battle of getting hurt and then conquering the fear that the pain creates. The good news is that you will learn from each painful experience, and overcome it with ease (and with less fear) in the future. And in this way, you'll never be 'worse off' from any experience, and the only thing you will fear is fear itself.

J:What is the alternative?

Your other option is to never learn, never to love, and never to live without fear of..everything unknown.

J:That is the most frightening possibility. Of that kind of life I am most afraid.

Then charge into the Unknown! If not because you crave the adventure that awaits you, then only to avoid the alternative: a life-sapping fear, and dream-rotting worry, a stagnant soul that finds no joy and clings only to the knowledge of the pains of the past.

______________________________________________________________

Breaking The Silence

This is not the first time I've tried to break this blogging silence, but it is the first successful attempt. As life changes and I'm approached with new Unknowns, I seek to adapt and learn and live and love. That seemed to require some silence, a cessation in writing in order to listen. The dynamic of these writings (and the frequency of them) has changed many times in the last 8 months, and once again, this blog will reflect the changes in my life. 

Spicy Song of the Week will no longer be weekly. DUN DUN DUN.

haha.

No but seriously, I can't keep up right now. Life is kicking me in the face, and has been since mid January. As things begin to slow down, my body is currently reminding me that it was not designed to be so stressed for so long, and i'm finally getting sick. Being sick is the only thing that has made me have time to write again, and I don't plan on being sick for very long or too often, so we'll see how things settle. And at that point, I'll write more. I write for me now, and doubt many people bother checking this site after such a long silence, but I don't mind. I feel a lot better now.

Hello.

!!

Lost!

It's started again! I am so glad it's the last season. I remember starting to watch it all them years back right from the first season. It's been a good ride, but i'm tired of HAVING to watch TV. I've got other ways I need to waste my time. Priorities. Basically, I'm just waiting to find out about that polar bear nonsense. Oh..and the statue.

The Dudes!

GAAHH I love this band. Band-crush. I don't know who screamed louder when he hit his guitar solo dead on: the 14 year old girls in front of me...or me. It was a competition. I'll be seeing these guys as often as I can. So much to learn from them. So much to love. Please go buy their CDs (or illegally download. That's cool too). "I'm not supposed to call her--she's gonna call me laadee daa" awesome!

Friends!

I've come to the tentative conclusion that I'm pretty average in almost every way and in everything I do...except I have good friends. Like...awesome friends. There's a LOT of idiots, jerks and backstabbing social cannibals out there, but these guys I call pals are great. And I'm meeting so many awesome people all the time too!

Money!

no wait..there's no good news in this department...

No money!

That's more like it :D  This department is alive and well.

Random things to consider:

Burt's Bees with honey: don't buy it. It's really awful. But now that I've bought it, I'm going to have to suffer for the next 5 months until it runs out. Wanna trade?

Bought new ear buds too, and they already fuzz out. Buying stuff is lame.

I have a whole week off school, and I'm going to be trying my hardest to be uber-productive and work out 4 times, eat 28 meals, spend 0 dollars, write 3 papers, save 1 life, smile 200 smiles, and watch Canada win 200 gold medals.  Fix one bike and two guitars, drink 60 glasses of water and write 2 blog posts, read 1 book, and work 32 hours.This week will not be a week off...but a week ON.

You might notice i'm in an inexplicably good mood. No reason...no reason at all.


Olympics!

Hockey. Curling. Moguls. Speed skate. NOT figure skating. = Life!


Anyone with me on this?: The lighting of the torch was kinda silly, and really anticlimactic. I'm glad Gretzky did it...but it just seems silly that it took four people to actually present it. I dunno.

Spicy Song of the week tomorrow...numba 25!

A Depressing Solution: Hapathy

It's all about finding the middle road. Everything in moderation-- including moderation, you might say.

You don't want to be TOO happy. Then you just freak people out. Don't be that person walking alone down the street with a crazy lopsided smile plastered across their tilted face, blinking every second, and muttering something under their breath. When you're so psychotically happy, it can skew your perspective on reality. Happiness will punch you in the face smash your glasses so you can't see the world too clearly, and no one is quite sure how to relate to you.

You don't want to be brutally sad. I don't feel like this needs much of a defense. No one wants to be miserable all the time, letting everything get to you, drag you down. This is unhealthy, straight up. The kind of people you attract when you are eternally miserable are the exact kind of people who will show you new ways to reach lower lows. Complaining is exhausting.

The solution?

Hapathy: A certain type of apathy that achieves happiness.

If you are walking the middle road between uberhappy and ubersad, this road is called apathy. But not sad apathy. Just plain apathy. This is a comforting feeling. Quiet happiness. Emotions carefully guarded, not wearing them on your sleeve. Instead, wear a small smile whenever possible. It's crazy how smiling actually has the effect of making you feel happier. No one needs to know you're happy, really. Unless they want to know, then they'll make some sort of inquiry about how you're doing or just strike up general conversation.

The minute I stopped showing blatant and immediate interest in random people, they started showing interest in me. It's remarkable, really, that it's the guy who really doesn't care who gets the girl. And the girl who shows immediate interest in you is considered 'easy' and avoided. We like the challenge of breaking through people's hapathy. It's attractive, I suppose. How depressing is that?

Caution: there are side effects when a naturally curious, talkative, bold, social person (such as..oh i dunno, me) makes an attempt to show some restraint, who begins to filter what he says, using discretion, and trying not to be open, blunt. The major side effect? It's easier and a more justifiable strategy to be dishonest. Lies are the basis of avoiding confrontation as well as meaningful interaction. "How are you? Good. Oh..okay..thanks for lying. We both know that's not true. But at least we don't have to talk about it."

 I hate it. I hate that it works. But the result is that I don't freak people out. I don't come across creepy because I simply showed some platonic interest. Because CREEPY people are the ones who talk to you in class even though you don't know them. Hapathy works because then THEY make the first contact. Well, this is an ongoing investigation, so don't quote me on anything here. I'm not after anything here. I'm not pursuing anyone or anything... I'm just saying, putting up some fences seems to encourage people to climb them, tear them down, as long as it's on their terms.

(Photo Credit: Mark Persinger)

I bore myself these days, so there's not a lot of incentive to write. Sorry. I guess you'll just have to pay attention in class for a change.

We are recording right now, and I'll be super excited to share it with all of yous guys when we finish. Spicy Song of The Week tomorrow.

The Holes In The Wall That Happened To Align

A metaphor in script form.

I woke up one night during this last week of insomnia with this idea. I enjoyed writing this.

---------

Me: Hey

Her: Um..hi.

Me: That's a pretty big wall you've built around you. Very high. I couldn't climb it.

Her: Yeah..I see you've got a decent one around you too. Thicker than mine.

Me: I have been building my wall for a long time. How about you?

Her: Oh, I've been at it for a while too. But I can't seem to finish it. I leave this little hole in it, right at eye-level.

Me: Me too. I want to be able to see out, i suppose, without being too exposed. It's curious that our viewing holes should line up like this.

Her: Yes. I can see your face when you stand in front of the hole, and you can see mine. But I could easily move to the side and be completely hidden.

Me: That is quite empowering. But yet you choose to stay here and face me. Do you feel safe like this?

Her: I suppose I do. Probably only because I know you are behind your wall too. You keep me out just as much as I keep you out. I find comfort in the ability that we could not be close even if we wanted to.

Me: But do you want to?

Her: You ask a lot of questions for having built such a thick wall.

Me: Well, as our viewing holes align, you are all I can see. And I find you intriguing.

Her: Intriguing? Please! You only find me intriguing because you know I'll never reciprocate. You find safety in my emotional distance, my inability to get attached.

Me: That just might be true. These walls can be very useful. Well worth the effort of moving each stone into place.

Her: Tiring work, though. I've had a lot of frustration and anxiety, disappointments and broken hearts to build this wall. How do you like my wall?

Me: It's impressive. And yet all I can focus on is the viewing hole you have left, almost against your own will--as if you knew you could not completely separate yourself from the world. It is a hole of hope.

Her: I don't want to admit you are right. You should watch how far you push, watch what you say, or I'll move away from this hole, and you'll see no more of me.

Me: You could stay, and I'll see no more of you than your face.

Her: It's probably for the best. If there's one thing I've learned, is that you guys are all the same. All you see right now is a pretty face.

Me: Yes, it's true. But that doesn't mean I don't want to see more. You've made it impossible for me to know you better because your viewing hole is so small. If you were to widen it, then perhaps you would see how attractive I find you.

Her: No way. I'm safe here, and I see no point in risking that for you. I know nothing of you: I know less about you than you know of me.

Me: And yet my viewing hole is larger than yours. I'm not as jaded as you, yet. The difference is that I ask questions about you out of honest fascination, and you don't question me about who I am for fear of liking what you find.

Her: That's a bold assumption. Just as easily, I could assume I wouldn't like what I see if you were to show me more, and that's why you ask so many questions: to divert attention.

Me: Well, what would you like to know? I'm an open book.

Her: Hardly. You're behind a hell of a wall right now.

Me: Yes...I suppose I am. The answers I would give you would be carefully worded and thought out so as to avoid giving you something to detest about me.

Her: Alas, your viewing hole seems to be designed for one-way viewing.

Me: It's true. The perception of me you see is an inquisitive and fascinated character. But that has nothing to do with who I am.

Her: It sounds like you've got just as many reasons to build a wall as I do, but instead you use your larger viewing hole as a stage upon which you act, not an honest view of your personality.

Me: Well I hope you at least enjoy the show, however fake it may seem.

Her: Either way, I would never say. Chances are I'll hide behind my wall to laugh and smile at the good parts of your performance. I wouldn't want to give you the wrong idea.

Me: about what?

Her: about how I feel about you---oh no.

Me: go on..?

Her: No. I've said too much. Dammit, my wall is crumbling. You shut up. I have to go fix that crack over there.

Me: Maybe you could turn that crack into a doorway?

Her: there's not enough locks in the world to make a doorway that would make me feel safe.

Me: Maybe the only way to feel safe is to stop hiding and embrace the surroundings.  I think a door would do some good. Just to try, anyway.

Her: Do you have a door?

Me: Oh yes. I even leave once in a while. But what I find when I leave pushes me back here.

Her: Then why do you keep leaving?

Me: Faith, I suppose. Naive optimism that some day I will find someone who will live without walls.

Her: You'll just get hurt.

Me: Probably. But these walls keep out the sunlight too.

Her:  It's true. I'm cold from loneliness.

Me: Don't fix the crack. Build a door instead.

Her: I don't think I'll find anything out there. I've been behind this wall too long.

Me: I'll be out there.

Her: So what?

Me: Just saying.

Her: What makes you think this time would be different?

Me: I don't think it's a coincidence that our viewing holes line up. I think we can help each other.

Her: You want to fix me? Is that it?

Me: No. I don't think you're actually broken. You just need a little sunlight.

Her: ...What if we fail?

Me: Then we fail. The 'What If' game will hurt so much more than knowing the truths.

Her: I don't know any other games.

Me: Then let's not play games. Let's just drop the pretenses and be honest.

Her: Dammit. I'm scared.

Me: Be scared with me, without these walls. I'm coming out.

Her: I'll see your flaws.

Me: Every time I see you through this hole, I feel my every flaw magnified. I don't think it could be much worse if I exposed my true self. But it could be better.

Her: I've got a lot of scars you haven't seen. Flaws of my own.

Me: Probably, but they'll be prettier on you than the ugly grey wall you hide behind.

Her: Is it really that ugly?

Me: Awfully so.

Her: I'll have to come out there.

Me: Really?

Her: Yes, if my wall is that ugly, I need to see it for myself from the outside. That's the only reason I'm coming out there.

Me: Hopefully I can give you a reason to stay out.

Her: Hopefully. But I doubt it.

Me: See you out there in five minutes?

Her: Okay...I guess. I'll do it. Ohhh I'm a fool for doing this.

Me: Bring some sunglasses. It might be sunnier than you think.

---------

Memory: Slowly, It All Will Fade To Black.

Some random mumblings on the idea of memory, the past, time, and forgetting. 

Why they concern me today? I don't know.

 

 _________________________________________________

I want / I'm waiting for / How can I find

something new / something forgotten / something lost

___________________________________________

Me: Grandma, one day soon, I'd like you to tell me the story of your life.
Grandma: Well, usually they tell that story at the funeral.

Me: ...I'd like to hear it before then.

_____________________________________________

A recollection of a girl:

When a memory loses the war with time

I've lost all that once was mine.

When the little things are forgotten
(but surely there were little things, right?)

When she has forgotten that there were the little things
(Vague, dim, hazy...)
When she forgets that she has forgotten.
 (Damn it, Time, what is left for us?)

What's worse than forgetting?--

Losing physical traces of what she remembers.

Losing the people who share her memory.

Losing people to time, to distance.

The people I shared those memories with:

When they forget

and I forget

Then suddenly, it's like it never happened.

There's nothing like living in the past,

Always with her head turned around

looking the other way.

It hurts her after a while.

The present is just a single fleeting breath

between where she will go

and the place she just left

It is of little use, since her past led her here

and her future will lead you away,

 Nothing more than a reference point to gauge her next step

A chance to pause, and:

to forget what never mattered, to love and regret what did,

to focus on what hasn't happened yet,

The challenges she has not met.

The future-

so uncertain!

And yet to fear it is so irrational

Passion is a better fuel than fear, no doubt.

For if a turned head led me in here-

to this cave of craving something I once knew,

then perhaps forgetting will lead me out?

Then let it go:

The good, the bad, that longing for that which I've never had.

And grab hold:

Something new, something better, something true.

And allow the memories to wither, as the many become the few.

Whatever You're Selling...

...I'll take two, please.


This world is throwing some curve balls. Some tricks from up its sleeve. It's pushing me, and I'm pulling it. That, most certainly, creates a feeling of uncertainty. A balancing act. Keep your toes on the line. Don't look down.

There are questions searching for answers searching for reasons searching for why.

I don't get it.

But world, whatever you're selling, I'll take two. Keep it coming. Whatever it is.

I'm not afraid to fail. In fact, I have an unhealthy non-fear of failure. Depends what 'to fail' means.

So let's go there. Wherever that is.

Dreams

I wish that

were more like

 

and less like real life.

But I guess it's a good thing they aren't.

Or else we'd never want to wake up

and make those dreams a reality.

(Though, a flying dream would 

be pretty sweet once in a while)

Time To Catch Up. How you been?

Saturday evening, I pruned my 3 year old fig tree. In accordance with all my previous plants, it needs a name. After all, there is Abe the Aloe Vera (check out how the 'lo' in 'aloe' forms a 'b' in 'Abe. You think that was an accident? ...It was.), Chuck the Cherry Tomato Plant, and Humphrey, my cactus (this is before I knew what alliteration was). I loved that cactus. It somehow captured the essence of my exact sentiment and life-view when I was 12 years old. And so, a name for my fig tree? I shall name it... Fidel The Fig Tree. Fidel means 'faithful'. A fitting name because it faithfully didn't die on me this month.

It was on the verge of dying though. 'One leaf at a time', you might say. Not all of the sudden, not for any one reason, ..and definitely not my fault..obviously. It's not because I didn't water it: it just needed too much water to begin with. It's not because I put it too close to the cold window. It just can't handle our non-Mediterranean climate as well as it ought to. It didn't call out, and it probably didn't even realize its dwindling existence. One leaf at a time. September and October were not kind to Fidel. He didn't grow any, he didn't push himself, he just sat there, watching everything go by.

Goodness, this plant sounds like someone I know.

Let me tell you about "This One Guy". No need to name names. This  One Guy woke up one day last week, and thought "Hmm..It's been a few days since I've gone to school, maybe I should check in." And so off he went to class. He was early, leaving him nothing to do but sit outside the class room and wait. The Prof happened to walk by, and since it was a small class, he greeted 'this one guy' by name. They proceeded to have a conversation...Also, he was holding a baking sheet of muffins.

Prof: what are you doing here?

TOG: I'm just waiting for class.

Prof: you mean..MY class?

TOG: um..yeah.

Prof: Right...well, class was yesterday. you missed it. Do you even know what day it is?

TOG: Oh. Um..[looks down at shoes and pouts] ...no.

Prof: Get it together, man. Oh. Want a muffin?

TOG: [still analyzing shoes] what kind?

Prof:  Banana, I believe.

TOG: Lame. No. [Exit stage left, goes home, goes to bed. Wakes up many hours later..craving a muffin.]

This One Guy is kinda an idiot. A slacker, to say the least. We'll even call him a slob in need of a haircut and a self-help section or two.

Again...sounds familiar...

Let me tell you about this other guy. We'll call him Alfred Dyck, A. Dyck for short...his real name is unimportant. He was in such a numb dumb daze that he didn't bother to pay attention to anyone around him. He was so self absorbed in his own boredom, he missed important occasions. Let's listen in as he enjoys a family meal at his parents house 5 days later after the missed event:

A. Dyck: Thanks for dinner Mom.  That was tasty. Beats KD, I'll say that much.

Mom: Your diet is depressing. Eat healthier! Also, there's cake for dessert.

A Dyck: No..thanks, though. I really should avoid sugar right now. But why is there cake?

Mom: It's birthday cake.

A Dyck: Oh! Great! Who's birthday was it?

[the room suddenly felt cold, and it wasn't because the window was open]

Mom: ...It was your dad's...Tuesday.

A Dyck: ...Oh. [He connects some dots and realizes that his sister called from rural africa to wish Dad a happy birthday that day, and he couldn't even remember while living in the same timezone. He also realises that the only thing he can do now is have a piece of cake, making him feel more included in the festivities.] I guess I'll have a piece.

And where was all this going?

The truth is, for the past two months, I've been that fig tree, falling apart one leaf at a time. I've been That One Guy who stumbles around in a daze, avoiding everyone. And anyone who forgets a family member's birthday is A Dyck.

It was not a great two months. I had no will to go to class, look for a job, or meet up with friends.  I went days without speaking a word. These two situations above along with failing a midterm equaled rock bottom. And I didn't even see it coming.  So last week, in the midst of all the above situations, I decided that Sunday, November 1st would be a fresh start. I'd become that pruned fig tree and start prioritizing and saving money and all sorts of stuff. I made a 'Fix List', for things I need to fix in my life so i stop wasting time, energy, and money, and instead start living laughing and loving again.

So since Saturday, I've been playing catch-up and attempting to figure out how I'm going to get myself out of the hole I dug. it reminds me of this magazine article about Miss Lohan:

Silly people. Lindsay Lohan can't hit 'rock bottom'. She just whips out a jackhammer and Keeps...On...Going. (PS..I didn't read this magazine. Promise.)

Fortunately, I'm a million times cooler than her (and have a substantially lesser amount of cocaine in my bloodstream). So instead of digging deeper, it's not going to be as hard as I thought to get myself back on track. But playing catch up explains my blogging absence.

Of course, now that I'm caught up in school ...I can afford to begin procrastinating again!

I had a job interview at Joey Tomatoes. As a restaurant, they are well known as employing only the best looking people. They remind you that we are not all created equally when it comes to appearance. On the application, they ask me to rate my 'hotness' on a scale from one to ten.  I wrote 11. In the business ethics section of the interview, they asked whether it was "very likely, somewhat likely, or not likely" that I would sleep with the manager or head waitress in hopes of a raise. I laughed and said, 'Not very likely, but I'm flattered by the offer. I'm just not looking for that kind of thing right now. It's not you, it's me.'

They haven't called me back.

Spicy Song of the week coming soon!

Spicy Song Of The Week

Go ahead and hit play as you read this...the player is on the left!


One of my cousins is feeling the blow of a first breakup, my best friend has swine flu (probably), and I just heard a siren outside. My sister is in AFRICA, and I don't have a Halloween costume. Such chaos and heartbreak and stress and uncertainty. This world is going somewhere fast...except for me, who is just sitting on the couch, thinking that since I don't have a test until Friday, and no assignments due this week, I should probably be booking a flight to Mexico, right? I mean, why not?

I think we all need to chill out a bit. Stop stressing and pushing and fighting. Just Calm Down, Please. So many people are getting so caught up in the little details, they've forgotten how to relax and just smile for the sake of smiling--and I say 'forgotten' with the generous assumption that most people once did know how to step back, remember their priorities, and slap themselves in the face to bring themselves back to reality. Life is pretty big. We all seem to get so freakin' confused by life. Like a dyslexic child eating alphabet soup, our faces scrunch up and contort as we try to figure everything out at once. Don't. Please. It wears me out.

The point of life has to be the questions, because you'll never get the answers. Right? RIGHT?! Answer me!

hah.

The World Spins Madly On

The Weepies

Say I Am You

Keep on running guys. All life long. We'll see where you get. I don't want to 'grow up', or 'smarten up' or any of that. I swear we are all gonna die of cancer and heart attacks due to stress, and I'm not down for that. I smile for the sake of smiling, because then other people smile, and that's cool. I laugh, I relax (granted, I probably do that part too often...), and I try not to bottle stuff up. I don't worry excessively, and I take it as it comes. Go reach your high goals, but do it with a smile because you want to, or don't do it at all.

Can we all just calm down this week?

Sersly.

Question of the...Lifetime.

Why

The Value of Randomness

If you go somewhere expecting something meaningful or amazing to happen, something probably will happen.

Not that anything would have happened differently.

You would have just noticed it.

Or maybe, it would have happened differently.

I can convince myself that if i stand at a bus stop and keep waiting, I'll eventually find a reason why i needed to come here. If you can make an impromptu decision to go some random place, sit on some random bench, or call some random friend with the idea that it will be working towards some yet-to-be discovered goal or solution, you'll probably end up finding the meaning in that situation that was there all along. It's a fine line between self-fulfilling (if you expect it, you'll find it) and stopping to smell the roses ('it' was there the whole time).

When you have an urge to do something random, follow it with the understanding that you'll probably be able to learn something from it or gain something--possibly by helping someone else out. It's a cool thought, anyways. It makes life more exciting when you assume there's more going on than you initially perceive.

Just remember, Randomness is the name of this game.

I guess I've recently met a few people who seem to have really rigid and structured lives, and I'm just confronted with the idea that we should all relax a little bit, take a step back, and therefore notice a little more detail about whatever it is we fill our days with.

I'll probably come back to this idea later. Also, you can expect to see some edgy, opinionated posts that will make you want to steal passifiers from babies and break your grandmas best china that she only uses 'when important people come over' (well then what does that make me?) because it'll be so cynical. Actually, it won't make you feel like that at all (or at least it shouldn't)....but I wish my words had that kind of power. Because if I can't use the china, then no one can.

The Crunching Of Leaves

I didn't really make plans with anyone today. Which is normally not a big deal, but this week has been a grand series of highs and lows and twists and turns. And no one likes to go on a roller coaster alone. Actually, I don't even like roller coasters.

I went for a slow walk with no destination in mind, and it turned out to be somewhat meditative. I walked along the very edge of the sidewalk, where all the windswept and yellowing leaves collect as they begin to fall from the trees. Every step became very rhythmic as one foot would land on concrete and the other would crunch the leaves. Such a satisfying feeling. It's like audible progress; every stride takes me further into who-knows-what. But the endpoint is not the reason I'm walking. It's for that crunch of every meaningful step forward.
Sounds like a metaphor.

I'm definitely a people person. I go crazy pretty quickly when I'm alone. It's not necessarily that I don't like silence, or that being alone makes me think about things that I'd rather glaze over with meaningless conversation. I could thoroughly enjoy that same walk if someone was walking along beside me in silence, making sporadic comments about a well kept tree on the left, or a old lady contentedly raking leaves on the right. Just sharing that random experience with someone can be rewarding for me. You know the way kids are with grown-ups, that they can say anything and it wouldn't be a big deal...but they just talk about the simple stuff.



Fall is an interesting time, isn't it? We go back to school, slightly pessimistic in a way, because we can't say things like "I'm so excited for summer!". We know that we are getting back into that grim life of homework and exams and studying. It can only get colder and grayer from here. After such a high which we call summer, it can be a bit depressing. But at the same time, going to school means meeting new people, learning and doing new things. We start playing our favorite sports in the mornings; we develop that routine. We have a chance to be productive again. It's almost like the death of summer is more or less a rebirth for people. September is that fresh start. It's optimistic in that sense, right? That 'go get em' attitude seems to prevail.

I feel that certain numbness coming on again, though. Like I'm about to 'check out' and coast on through. This last week was a week of grand possibility, one might say. But as we hit the weekend and head into the next week, it feels like we're a on that hamster wheel. On and on and on. Round and round. Maybe in your own way, you can relate. Because I'm sure this seems extremely vague.

What is it I'm looking for? Someone? Something? A goal? A plan? Novelty? A constructive routine? Jelly beans?

Yeah, that sounds about right.

I'll keep on keeping on, for sure. Don't get me wrong: I'm in no way miserable about life. I'm very excited to see what happens. I want to achieve and win and grow. I just have forgotten why we push so hard for success and perfection. I need a reason.

I guess for now, that perfect sound of leaves beneath my feet is reason enough to keep me ambling along. What a beautiful day!