Afraid of Fear + Breaking The Silence

 Afraid of Fear

J:I am afraid.

Afraid of what?

J:I don't know.

You don't know what you are afraid of?

J:No...I am afraid of what I do not know.

You are afraid of the unknown?

J:Maybe that's it. I don't know that either.

Ah..there's many things you don't know. In fact, what do you know?

J:The past.

And yet the past offers no comfort to you, does it?

J:No. It is the future that is the concern. The Future is the Unknown.

So if the past is of little use, then what relevant knowledge do you possess?

J:I suppose the only thing I know is that I don't truly know anything.

You said you are afraid of what you do not know. So you're afraid of everything?

J:No. I'm not afraid of what I can control.

If you know nothing, then how can you control anything?

J:Can I not control without knowledge?

What is control, then, if you neither know what you control, nor how to control it?

J:I guess I can never be sure I'm in control of anything.

If you cannot be sure, then you can never be in control, can you? And if you cannot control anything, then the question stands: are you afraid of everything you cannot control?

J:I am not afraid of that which I cannot control; I am afraid that I have no control. I feel powerless.

So your lack of control is what scares you.

J:Yes, I feel vulnerable. Vulnerability can be scary. That I know for sure.

If you acknowledge you cannot be in control of anything, then the problem is not trying to gain power over life, but instead to be at peace with your vulnerability.

J:It is only a natural instinct for me to want to protect myself.

From what?

J:The unknown.

But I thought we already--

J:--yes, I know. We agreed I don't know anything.

So then from what do you need protection? Everything? What shield can you carry that will protect you from the unknown, and therefore everything? 

J:There is no such shield.

So then how do you fight the unknown?

J:I guess you cannot defend from it but only attack.

Ah..for what purpose?

J:If I strike out into the territory of the unknown and cover as much land as possible, then I can at least have a glimpse of certainty.

And that will give you control?

J:No...I may be able to walk through the land of the unknown and see things that shed light on my life, but those lands are not under my control.

Is that better than running from the unknown?

J:It's risky, I suppose. But as the Future changes to the past, I will then gain knowledge of what IS, rather than hiding and wondering what could have been.

So...you would find peace in moving forward and taking risks in order to see what is possible. Then why don't you do it?

J:Fear, still.

Not fear of the unknown?

J:no.

Not fear of the lack of control?

J:no.Fear that from the lack of control of the future, it remains to me unknown whether success is possible or not.

Fear, then, of...

J:...Failure. Yes. I am afraid that in traveling the lands of the unknown, I will have experiences that do not benefit me. And it is that possibility of pain that keeps me from action, from letting down my flimsy shield, and from charging into the unknown.

What kind of experiences?

J:People might lie. They might hurt me. If I open up, then they can take everything from me, and I will be worse off.

Have people not lied to you already? Have they not hurt you and taken more than you thought you could stand to lose?

J:Yes. That has already happened to me.

And what happened next?

J:I'm standing here, afraid.

Afraid that it might happen again?

J:Yes. Afraid that I will be hurt again.

You won't.

J:Really? How do you know?

Because if you continue to live in fear, then you will never be able to open up, and if you never open your heart to anyone, then they cannot take a thing from you. But this is only possible if you continue to live in fear.

J:I cannot live in fear. I don't want to. I also do not want to get hurt.

The only way to move past the hurt is to open up again. And, yes, that can be frightening. It is an ongoing battle of getting hurt and then conquering the fear that the pain creates. The good news is that you will learn from each painful experience, and overcome it with ease (and with less fear) in the future. And in this way, you'll never be 'worse off' from any experience, and the only thing you will fear is fear itself.

J:What is the alternative?

Your other option is to never learn, never to love, and never to live without fear of..everything unknown.

J:That is the most frightening possibility. Of that kind of life I am most afraid.

Then charge into the Unknown! If not because you crave the adventure that awaits you, then only to avoid the alternative: a life-sapping fear, and dream-rotting worry, a stagnant soul that finds no joy and clings only to the knowledge of the pains of the past.

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Breaking The Silence

This is not the first time I've tried to break this blogging silence, but it is the first successful attempt. As life changes and I'm approached with new Unknowns, I seek to adapt and learn and live and love. That seemed to require some silence, a cessation in writing in order to listen. The dynamic of these writings (and the frequency of them) has changed many times in the last 8 months, and once again, this blog will reflect the changes in my life. 

Spicy Song of the Week will no longer be weekly. DUN DUN DUN.

haha.

No but seriously, I can't keep up right now. Life is kicking me in the face, and has been since mid January. As things begin to slow down, my body is currently reminding me that it was not designed to be so stressed for so long, and i'm finally getting sick. Being sick is the only thing that has made me have time to write again, and I don't plan on being sick for very long or too often, so we'll see how things settle. And at that point, I'll write more. I write for me now, and doubt many people bother checking this site after such a long silence, but I don't mind. I feel a lot better now.

Hello.

The Holes In The Wall That Happened To Align

A metaphor in script form.

I woke up one night during this last week of insomnia with this idea. I enjoyed writing this.

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Me: Hey

Her: Um..hi.

Me: That's a pretty big wall you've built around you. Very high. I couldn't climb it.

Her: Yeah..I see you've got a decent one around you too. Thicker than mine.

Me: I have been building my wall for a long time. How about you?

Her: Oh, I've been at it for a while too. But I can't seem to finish it. I leave this little hole in it, right at eye-level.

Me: Me too. I want to be able to see out, i suppose, without being too exposed. It's curious that our viewing holes should line up like this.

Her: Yes. I can see your face when you stand in front of the hole, and you can see mine. But I could easily move to the side and be completely hidden.

Me: That is quite empowering. But yet you choose to stay here and face me. Do you feel safe like this?

Her: I suppose I do. Probably only because I know you are behind your wall too. You keep me out just as much as I keep you out. I find comfort in the ability that we could not be close even if we wanted to.

Me: But do you want to?

Her: You ask a lot of questions for having built such a thick wall.

Me: Well, as our viewing holes align, you are all I can see. And I find you intriguing.

Her: Intriguing? Please! You only find me intriguing because you know I'll never reciprocate. You find safety in my emotional distance, my inability to get attached.

Me: That just might be true. These walls can be very useful. Well worth the effort of moving each stone into place.

Her: Tiring work, though. I've had a lot of frustration and anxiety, disappointments and broken hearts to build this wall. How do you like my wall?

Me: It's impressive. And yet all I can focus on is the viewing hole you have left, almost against your own will--as if you knew you could not completely separate yourself from the world. It is a hole of hope.

Her: I don't want to admit you are right. You should watch how far you push, watch what you say, or I'll move away from this hole, and you'll see no more of me.

Me: You could stay, and I'll see no more of you than your face.

Her: It's probably for the best. If there's one thing I've learned, is that you guys are all the same. All you see right now is a pretty face.

Me: Yes, it's true. But that doesn't mean I don't want to see more. You've made it impossible for me to know you better because your viewing hole is so small. If you were to widen it, then perhaps you would see how attractive I find you.

Her: No way. I'm safe here, and I see no point in risking that for you. I know nothing of you: I know less about you than you know of me.

Me: And yet my viewing hole is larger than yours. I'm not as jaded as you, yet. The difference is that I ask questions about you out of honest fascination, and you don't question me about who I am for fear of liking what you find.

Her: That's a bold assumption. Just as easily, I could assume I wouldn't like what I see if you were to show me more, and that's why you ask so many questions: to divert attention.

Me: Well, what would you like to know? I'm an open book.

Her: Hardly. You're behind a hell of a wall right now.

Me: Yes...I suppose I am. The answers I would give you would be carefully worded and thought out so as to avoid giving you something to detest about me.

Her: Alas, your viewing hole seems to be designed for one-way viewing.

Me: It's true. The perception of me you see is an inquisitive and fascinated character. But that has nothing to do with who I am.

Her: It sounds like you've got just as many reasons to build a wall as I do, but instead you use your larger viewing hole as a stage upon which you act, not an honest view of your personality.

Me: Well I hope you at least enjoy the show, however fake it may seem.

Her: Either way, I would never say. Chances are I'll hide behind my wall to laugh and smile at the good parts of your performance. I wouldn't want to give you the wrong idea.

Me: about what?

Her: about how I feel about you---oh no.

Me: go on..?

Her: No. I've said too much. Dammit, my wall is crumbling. You shut up. I have to go fix that crack over there.

Me: Maybe you could turn that crack into a doorway?

Her: there's not enough locks in the world to make a doorway that would make me feel safe.

Me: Maybe the only way to feel safe is to stop hiding and embrace the surroundings.  I think a door would do some good. Just to try, anyway.

Her: Do you have a door?

Me: Oh yes. I even leave once in a while. But what I find when I leave pushes me back here.

Her: Then why do you keep leaving?

Me: Faith, I suppose. Naive optimism that some day I will find someone who will live without walls.

Her: You'll just get hurt.

Me: Probably. But these walls keep out the sunlight too.

Her:  It's true. I'm cold from loneliness.

Me: Don't fix the crack. Build a door instead.

Her: I don't think I'll find anything out there. I've been behind this wall too long.

Me: I'll be out there.

Her: So what?

Me: Just saying.

Her: What makes you think this time would be different?

Me: I don't think it's a coincidence that our viewing holes line up. I think we can help each other.

Her: You want to fix me? Is that it?

Me: No. I don't think you're actually broken. You just need a little sunlight.

Her: ...What if we fail?

Me: Then we fail. The 'What If' game will hurt so much more than knowing the truths.

Her: I don't know any other games.

Me: Then let's not play games. Let's just drop the pretenses and be honest.

Her: Dammit. I'm scared.

Me: Be scared with me, without these walls. I'm coming out.

Her: I'll see your flaws.

Me: Every time I see you through this hole, I feel my every flaw magnified. I don't think it could be much worse if I exposed my true self. But it could be better.

Her: I've got a lot of scars you haven't seen. Flaws of my own.

Me: Probably, but they'll be prettier on you than the ugly grey wall you hide behind.

Her: Is it really that ugly?

Me: Awfully so.

Her: I'll have to come out there.

Me: Really?

Her: Yes, if my wall is that ugly, I need to see it for myself from the outside. That's the only reason I'm coming out there.

Me: Hopefully I can give you a reason to stay out.

Her: Hopefully. But I doubt it.

Me: See you out there in five minutes?

Her: Okay...I guess. I'll do it. Ohhh I'm a fool for doing this.

Me: Bring some sunglasses. It might be sunnier than you think.

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Memory: Slowly, It All Will Fade To Black.

Some random mumblings on the idea of memory, the past, time, and forgetting. 

Why they concern me today? I don't know.

 

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I want / I'm waiting for / How can I find

something new / something forgotten / something lost

___________________________________________

Me: Grandma, one day soon, I'd like you to tell me the story of your life.
Grandma: Well, usually they tell that story at the funeral.

Me: ...I'd like to hear it before then.

_____________________________________________

A recollection of a girl:

When a memory loses the war with time

I've lost all that once was mine.

When the little things are forgotten
(but surely there were little things, right?)

When she has forgotten that there were the little things
(Vague, dim, hazy...)
When she forgets that she has forgotten.
 (Damn it, Time, what is left for us?)

What's worse than forgetting?--

Losing physical traces of what she remembers.

Losing the people who share her memory.

Losing people to time, to distance.

The people I shared those memories with:

When they forget

and I forget

Then suddenly, it's like it never happened.

There's nothing like living in the past,

Always with her head turned around

looking the other way.

It hurts her after a while.

The present is just a single fleeting breath

between where she will go

and the place she just left

It is of little use, since her past led her here

and her future will lead you away,

 Nothing more than a reference point to gauge her next step

A chance to pause, and:

to forget what never mattered, to love and regret what did,

to focus on what hasn't happened yet,

The challenges she has not met.

The future-

so uncertain!

And yet to fear it is so irrational

Passion is a better fuel than fear, no doubt.

For if a turned head led me in here-

to this cave of craving something I once knew,

then perhaps forgetting will lead me out?

Then let it go:

The good, the bad, that longing for that which I've never had.

And grab hold:

Something new, something better, something true.

And allow the memories to wither, as the many become the few.

At The Halloween Party:

Josh, with cousin Shaylen, enters the party house bearing a huge bag of Rockets (those amazing candies) while showing off an expertly carved pumpkin by Marya and himself of Spongebob:

A pretty girl sitting by herself on the couch looks slightly bored, and Josh feels somewhat obligated to erase any boredom. He sits down and says hey. And that's where this story begins.

Josh: Hey

Girl: Hi!

Josh: Cool decorations, hey? I just got here.

Girl: Yeah, I got here at 3pm..so I'm kinda bored now.

Josh: 3pm? That was 7 hours ago! Why'd you come so early?

Girl: I came here after work. I live in Cochrane, so I didn't want  to drive all the way home from work and then come back.

[This seems to be going moderately well. Josh knew that because she was still sitting beside him. Granted, it had only been 30 seconds.]

Josh: makes sense...where do you work?

Girl: A gynecology clinic down south

Josh: Oh wow! That's pretty intense.

Girl: Yeah, I see a lot of crazy things. Places you didn't even know you could tear: I've seen that. I'm definitely careful about birth control because I don't want that to happen to me.

Josh: [somewhat taken aback]..yeah..for sure.

Girl: And when I do have kids? I'll be getting a C-section. I've seen the after-effects and it can get pretty bad. I don't even want to tell you all the issues I've had to deal with. There's just so many things that can go wrong down there. It's a lot of paperwork, too.

Josh: ....um...

...want some Rockets?

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