Afraid of Fear
J:I am afraid.
Afraid of what?
J:I don't know.
You don't know what you are afraid of?
J:No...I am afraid of what I do not know.
You are afraid of the unknown?
J:Maybe that's it. I don't know that either.
Ah..there's many things you don't know. In fact, what do you know?
J:The past.
And yet the past offers no comfort to you, does it?
J:No. It is the future that is the concern. The Future is the Unknown.
So if the past is of little use, then what relevant knowledge do you possess?
J:I suppose the only thing I know is that I don't truly know anything.
You said you are afraid of what you do not know. So you're afraid of everything?
J:No. I'm not afraid of what I can control.
If you know nothing, then how can you control anything?
J:Can I not control without knowledge?
What is control, then, if you neither know what you control, nor how to control it?
J:I guess I can never be sure I'm in control of anything.
If you cannot be sure, then you can never be in control, can you? And if you cannot control anything, then the question stands: are you afraid of everything you cannot control?
J:I am not afraid of that which I cannot control; I am afraid that I have no control. I feel powerless.
So your lack of control is what scares you.
J:Yes, I feel vulnerable. Vulnerability can be scary. That I know for sure.
If you acknowledge you cannot be in control of anything, then the problem is not trying to gain power over life, but instead to be at peace with your vulnerability.
J:It is only a natural instinct for me to want to protect myself.
From what?
J:The unknown.
But I thought we already--
J:--yes, I know. We agreed I don't know anything.
So then from what do you need protection? Everything? What shield can you carry that will protect you from the unknown, and therefore everything?
J:There is no such shield.
So then how do you fight the unknown?
J:I guess you cannot defend from it but only attack.
Ah..for what purpose?
J:If I strike out into the territory of the unknown and cover as much land as possible, then I can at least have a glimpse of certainty.
And that will give you control?
J:No...I may be able to walk through the land of the unknown and see things that shed light on my life, but those lands are not under my control.
Is that better than running from the unknown?
J:It's risky, I suppose. But as the Future changes to the past, I will then gain knowledge of what IS, rather than hiding and wondering what could have been.
So...you would find peace in moving forward and taking risks in order to see what is possible. Then why don't you do it?
J:Fear, still.
Not fear of the unknown?
J:no.
Not fear of the lack of control?
J:no.Fear that from the lack of control of the future, it remains to me unknown whether success is possible or not.
Fear, then, of...
J:...Failure. Yes. I am afraid that in traveling the lands of the unknown, I will have experiences that do not benefit me. And it is that possibility of pain that keeps me from action, from letting down my flimsy shield, and from charging into the unknown.
What kind of experiences?
J:People might lie. They might hurt me. If I open up, then they can take everything from me, and I will be worse off.
Have people not lied to you already? Have they not hurt you and taken more than you thought you could stand to lose?
J:Yes. That has already happened to me.
And what happened next?
J:I'm standing here, afraid.
Afraid that it might happen again?
J:Yes. Afraid that I will be hurt again.
You won't.
J:Really? How do you know?
Because if you continue to live in fear, then you will never be able to open up, and if you never open your heart to anyone, then they cannot take a thing from you. But this is only possible if you continue to live in fear.
J:I cannot live in fear. I don't want to. I also do not want to get hurt.
The only way to move past the hurt is to open up again. And, yes, that can be frightening. It is an ongoing battle of getting hurt and then conquering the fear that the pain creates. The good news is that you will learn from each painful experience, and overcome it with ease (and with less fear) in the future. And in this way, you'll never be 'worse off' from any experience, and the only thing you will fear is fear itself.
J:What is the alternative?
Your other option is to never learn, never to love, and never to live without fear of..everything unknown.
J:That is the most frightening possibility. Of that kind of life I am most afraid.
Then charge into the Unknown! If not because you crave the adventure that awaits you, then only to avoid the alternative: a life-sapping fear, and dream-rotting worry, a stagnant soul that finds no joy and clings only to the knowledge of the pains of the past.
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Breaking The Silence
This is not the first time I've tried to break this blogging silence, but it is the first successful attempt. As life changes and I'm approached with new Unknowns, I seek to adapt and learn and live and love. That seemed to require some silence, a cessation in writing in order to listen. The dynamic of these writings (and the frequency of them) has changed many times in the last 8 months, and once again, this blog will reflect the changes in my life.
Spicy Song of the Week will no longer be weekly. DUN DUN DUN.
haha.
No but seriously, I can't keep up right now. Life is kicking me in the face, and has been since mid January. As things begin to slow down, my body is currently reminding me that it was not designed to be so stressed for so long, and i'm finally getting sick. Being sick is the only thing that has made me have time to write again, and I don't plan on being sick for very long or too often, so we'll see how things settle. And at that point, I'll write more. I write for me now, and doubt many people bother checking this site after such a long silence, but I don't mind. I feel a lot better now.
Hello.
