Christmas Cards

The mailman came, I grabbed the mail.

Two Christmas cards. Open them, read them.

"Hope you have a nice christmas, Love Uncle Willie and Aunt Lorraine."

The second card was from Aunt Marg and Uncle Dale, same friendly message.

These people are very thoughtful, but they are not my relatives.

I check the envelope, and unsuprisingly, they are addressed to Mrs Susan Broomfield. We have been getting her daily mail for the last year and a half. This Christmas, however, her cards will not be returned to sender like every other bloody envelope.  They will be in my living room, next to our tree with a skull on top instead of a cheesy angel. THIS tree is the REAL DEAL.

Shame on you, Susan, for not giving your relatives your new address.

And thanks Aunt Marg and Uncle Dale, Uncle Willie, and Aunt Lorraine. You're the best (Send money next time please)!

The Silence of Wisdom, the Brashness of Youth

The fulfilling ambiance of the empty room

The flickering light darkness dares not consume

The call of a voice with no face I can match

A memory faded--no name to attach

Press on feeble heart still in search of a truth

Yet unknown and unfavored, courageous, uncouth

Reveal the secrets with mind's claw and soul's tooth

Of the silence of wisdom, the brashness of youth

The purpose intangible, unknown and disguised

Reflecting horizons buried deep in your eyes

Stride forth in pursuit, onward to some end

Claim success/exploit hindsight, 'victory' you'll pretend

In spite of false progress and, in consequence, pain

Ever blinded by feverish faith still you feign

You cry starward for justice-you trust this, but why?

The law that you seek lives not in the sky

That death may bring answers we live on to enquire

Through science and love, conversations 'round fire

We anticipate freedom from the shackles of earth

Seek solace in no less than the spirit's rebirth

Chase on, restless lover of learning the wonders

Pursue secrets and magic as spiritual plunder

Eternally eludes your logic and steel

It's not easily cornered, not meant to reveal

Restless I wander and wonder and woe 

Wherever whenever whyever I go

Fate, luck, chance and choice through each high and low

Prove time and again to be both friend and foe

(and so)

Press on feeble heart still in search of a truth

Yet unknown and unfavored, courageous, uncouth.

Reveal the secrets with mind's claw and soul's tooth

Of the silence of wisdom, the brashness of youth.

Two Paths Diverged...

Written by hand, when I could not sleep. 2.55am.

I approached a fork in the road. ‘Two paths diverged’ ahead, though not in opposite directions: neither path veered away, but only gradually did they drift apart. Entirely unremarkably, one road seemingly paid the other no attention. Nonchalant. Indifferent.  Faced with this junction, I analyzed both choices. Neither looked particularly worse or better. They were all but indistinguishable; everything I knew about what lay ahead on each path I had learned from the past. They would inevitably lead to further junctions, bends, twists, hills and other geographical oddities that ornament the days of all our lives with trials and decisions, problems and solutions.

I cannot remember the first fork in the road that I passed, but it would have marked the moment where my mind became self aware, and understood the intangible concept of choice (and its logical consequence “WHAT IF?”). I would have chosen the left or the right, depending on some conditions or factors that hindsight would have later rendered unimportant. Trivial. Irrelevant. What matters is that the choice had been made. One foot in front of the other, I would have strode forth, cautiously optimistic and yet with one eye on the adjacent and meandering path that was not chosen.  No doubt my mind would have been keen to remember that choice, and as the unchosen path meandered alongside, I would see it begin to drift away, aiming for the horizon.  But before that path would have reached its goal and drifted out of sight (or was it I that had drifted?), I would have seen it fork, then fork again. Simultaneously, the path I would have been traveling on would split as well, and I would be forced to make another choice before moving forward. At that moment, I would look behind me to the previous fork, trying to reiterate and recapture my reasoning and motives that had ultimately made me choose this path. Consistency would be key in reaching any goal. Contradiction would lead me in circles.

Then I would have glanced to the path not chosen and its various forks, bends, weaves. Each fork had two arrows, essentially road signs presenting the two options. I would not have been able to read the arrows: my path had drifted too far from the other; it was now shrouded in the deceptive fog of the unknown. Knowing I should not be concerned with the unknown paths, I walk forward choosing, say, the path to the right (or was it that path to the wrong? To the left?) At the consistent rate at which time passes, I would have made these decisions, each choice adding to the myriad of possibilities that could have been chosen. I assume this is how the story of my first choices went, because I do not remember.

At night, I would stop and sleep, and I know that the dreams in my head was simply my spirit skipping across the yellow fields to other paths, seemingly at random. Had I made different decisions, those dreams might have been a reality, for better or for worse, and I would be dreaming of my current situation. Not in the ‘there’ of my dreams. Those paths could have been chosen, but they were not.

Where might I have ended up if I had chosen the other path when making my very first decision, that ignition of the Primary Choice? Those paths have long disappeared over my horizon. Or have they? Perhaps at some point the other paths have joined to the one I am presently on. I have noticed other roads merge with mine in the past. Surely there must be multiple ways, varying methods of reaching the same end? If they all end up at the same point, then fate has a firm clutch on my mind and soul, and stopping to ponder each direction could be viewed as a waste of precious moments of life. I would just be a rat in a maze and it’s only a matter of time until I find the one way out. And as I ponder the value of pondering...it strikes me that every path essentially does lead to the same destination: they all lead to the unknown -it actually doesn’t matter which one you take, they DO all have that consistent destination. Hence, fate might as well exist. I do not know whether this is tragic or cause for celebration. Another path to choose, I suppose. My mind wanders...

Here I stand at this present dilemma, seeing two seemingly identical paths only slightly deviating from each other. One to the left, one to the right. Of course, I seem them as virtually identical now, but in time I will look back and I will not be able to imagine a starker and more fundamentally contrasted set of options as the ones I am faced with presently.

Now suddenly, I begin to question the rules to this game. Say I choose the left path, and as I wander along it, I keep my eye on the unchosen alternatives. I imagine I frown as I realize I might have been happier on the right path. Can I turn around, trace back my steps to the junction of importance and select a new route? Is there a way that I can I return to the point I was at? I might not necessarily regret the path I chose, as it would have given me its own share of life experiences, and the wisdom and knowledge to know I would not make that choice again. Can I change directions in mid-swing, drop everything and run?

I would suppose that if I tried to turn around and run back, the result would be similar to those dreams, nightmares where no matter how hard I try to run backwards to the junction of concern, I gain not one inch of ground. I glance ahead again. It’s impossible to tell if my current path will meet up with the desired goal. Curse the fog of the unknown! It feels unwise to continue this direction when I have no passion for it.

Uncertainty might seem to slow me down, but then I think of the hunter tracking the herd. He saw the deer herd bolt out of sight when alerted to his presence. They headed west, but the hunter does not simply set his compass west in pursuit of the goal. Instead he stares at the ground, cautiously tracing the tracks. He knows that if he runs west, eyes on the empty horizon, he will never catch his prize. Only by following the footprints one at a time will he have any chance of reaching his wandering, elusive goal. It would take patience, to be sure. But the only way to not lose grasp of the goal is to not lose sight of the plan. One step at a time.

Presently, I still stand at this fork. I know I will not be able to turn back once I choose, but that each final decision leads to more final decisions. Only by keeping my eyes on the trail directly in front of me, and only by keeping my mind on the goal, will I have any hope of finding satisfaction. With that, I need to pause to determine the goal, and then the plan. 

Because even though all roads lead to the unknown, we still have the freedom to decide what we want to learn, know, understand along the way...and it’s ultimately wanting to make these choices and taking the initiative to imagine our own opportunities that gives rise to each divide in the road. Carry on.

Some Days...

....everything just turns out right. You drop your pen, but catch it mid air, so as to save you from bending down an extra two feet. Points!

...you wake up and feel okay about not feeling okay about getting out of bed. And you know that's okay, but you still gotta get up, and you're okay with that too.

...people call you instead of you calling them all the time. This feels good.

...you're so swamped with stressays and tests and projects--but you feel a subtle calm throughout it all.

...singing out loud feels like a pretty natural thing to do.

...your hair seems become one with your soul, and precisely expresses your personality.

...you hope that future you will remember this day as a clear vignette of who you were, even as other memories start to fade.

...small victories seem more important than the big loss.

...are just another day. ...or so you think.

...feel like something resembling a new beginning, for no specific reason---

--like that split second when you wake up, 

and you have no idea who or where you are.

 ---like a White Blank Page in the middle of a book. 

Reading along, word by word, line by line

but this page requires a second look.

White Blank Page

Mumford and Sons

Good Morning.

Some days...it's time to wake up.

Spicy Song of the Week

My room is a mess. Like REALLY bad. I feel like a girl it's so bad. Clothes strewn on my desk, papers in the laundry hamper. Hangers hanging on clothes. Pens in the random cup, coffee in the pen cup. No wait...THAT one is the coffee cup...i don't even know.



Starting tomorrow (yes...it's always "starting tomorrow") I'm gonna have to clean up my act. Eat better, sleep better, clean better, and pay my bills better. Time to get back in to shape. Time to write more, time to spend time with people who have time to spend time with me. onetwothree go!


This song/band is critically acclaimed. In fact, Darcy just texted me his opinion, saying "I think Angus and Julia Stone are my new favourite band." THAT'S how good they are.  So let me share with you a song of theirs, and explain the significance of it to you.

Big Jet Plane

Angus & Julia Stone

Down The Way

Ok everyone knows i'm a critical guy. If a movie has a flaw, I will find it. Whether it's the acting, the script, the plot, the photography, the lighting, the settings, the music--I will find it. If a book has a flaw, I shall point it out. If a live show is lacking, you'll know. If I have a flaw, it's all I can see/ If you have a flaw, leave it up to me.

But early one morning, as I was driving with Nichola, this song came on, and I went quiet. I had heard it several times before on a CD she had burned for me, but with the night lights flickering in the cool air and not another car in sight as ours wound down the hill, something clicked, and suddenly i was holding back tears.
This song was perfect. Every single note and word and simple melody and rhythm had been done exactly the way it was meant to be done. They had created exactly what they had set out to create, and this song had such a crushingly real identity. It knew precisely who it was and the impact it could have. This song is perfect.

And then I got to Thinking. I've been terribly critical of things and people and ideas. I can't let anyone see things the way they see them or be the way they want to be because there's a better way, and they need to find it. Nobody can relax around me, because they know i'm watching. and judging. Then I noticed that the people who don't point out everyone's flaws tend to be more enjoyable to be around, thus having more friends who call to hang out. I don't have those because I push people away with my criticism.

And then I realised there's a difference between listening to a song for ways it could be done better... and dismissing the song as imperfect and continuing to search for better songs that i can identify with. Every song has something to offer, just as every person does. Cue emotional piano music as we sum this up.

I've been harsh on people, and I feel bad for it. When a song plays, we should listen, and when people are around us, we should also listen. There's something worth hearing, and hitting 'skip' on a friendship will leave you alone. Yes, I'll have victoriously pointed out a flaw that everyone else saw as just being human, and yes, the truth will be heard by them either to their face or behind their back, but who am I of all people to skip anyone? I am so flawed.

I found a song that is exactly what is was supposed to be--not entirely because of the song, but because I listened patiently and intently enough to understand it.

You probably won't think this is a perfect song. But that's not the point, nor do I care. Just celebrate the fact that a song has triggered such an overdue realization and desperate resolution in me.

Worst Buy

I used to work at Best Buy. I sold computers, laptops, printers, and my soul for a few extra bucks when i got back from traveling the world. I was good at it too. I was honest, I listened, I didn't pressure, and I didn't upsell or add on crappy extra service packages that were a total scam.

And none of the staff liked me. 

I had nearly daily run-ins with one of the supervisors who held the keys to the cages in the back where all the laptops were stored. every time i sold a laptop, i would have to go track her down (she never answered the pages over the intercom) and ask for the keys. I would usually sell 6-8 laptops a day, and she got extremely frustrated every time, to the point where she would take the keys and throw them across the backroom. I wanted to throw HER across the room, but she was MUCH MUCH too heavy for that--years of built up anger and depression in the form of pounds.  But instead I did nothing and just kept selling laptops. I would quit/be let go three weeks later.

Today I went back. Everyone remembered me, which I find impressive, since my three weeks of employment was over two years ago. I took in my laptop so they could tell me why it wasn't working, and had a nice conversation with one of the staff.

J: Hello.

Best Buy Dude: Hey, it's been a while!

J: Yeah I'm just tryin to figure out why my laptop isn't turning on, can you help me?

BBD: Sure. *Fiddles with power button, and the power cord and the escape key, only to realise i was telling the truth and that it won't turn on.* Well, looks like we'll have to send it away for an expensive repair. Would you like to buy a new laptop instead? 

J:uhhh..noo...and i believe it's still under your 3 year protection plan, so i shouldn't have to pay.

BBD: Oh. Fine. Well, before we send it off, you should get your data backed up.

J: good idea, thanks.

BBD: It'll cost ya.

J: Oh then i'll just do it myself at home.

BBD: (speaking slowly) Hmm...I'm not really sure how you're going to be able to do that...

J: (mocking him) hmmm..then i'm not really sure i trust you to work on my computer if you don't know how to do that. *Walks out*


Best Buy, you suck. You try and take my money, you try and take my happiness, and you try and take my computer. NO. I will not let you.

I have taken my computer home, and FIXED IT MYSELF. How do I know this? Because i'm typing right now. How did I do this? I don't have a clue..

OH..THAT'S how you cut a bagel.

When I first moved into this house, I used to make bacon, egg, and cheese bagels every single morning. I ate like a king. It's not like all those ingredients weren't immediately available to me while living at home, but when i finally struck out on my own, a certain sense of empowerment came over me, and i realised that i can make whatever I want---indeed, i would only be eating whatever I made, so I better make something I want.


Anyways.


I eventually gave up on this specific meal because a) my bagels were never as good as Tim Horton's version, and 2) bagels are really difficult to cut because where do you hold the bagel while you're cutting? I have visible scars from being unable to solve this problem. One of my earliest memories is of blood literally PUMPING out of my  finger early in the morning, and I had to go wake up my parents to make the bleeding stop. But first I took a picture.

So how do people cut bagels? It's a frightening endeavor for sure.. there's just so many dangers, and people have various ways of protecting themselves:

Or more drastically...

Or less effectively...

But then this last week, i finally figured it out. if you take the knife, and aim the tip of the knife for the HOLE (not the whole) of the bagel  and slowly cut around the bagel instead of taking the whole thing on with one cut through. This way, you can still hold the rest of the bagel and simply rotate it as you cut. YES!


Did everyone else already know how to do this? I feel undeniably intelligent due to this discovery. Don't ruin that for me.

Come On--Caaaammmm

Come on inspiration! I know you're there! Every single day I'm being exposed to new places, people, activities, mindsets and cereal flavours! Where's the spark and stroke of genius that I naively believe I once possessed? Why all this silence? Well..a small triumph-- I wrote a song! And HECK, since I have nothing better to write, let me share they lyrics with the small handful of you that still fumble and stumble and bumble along to this page. It's called The Fence.


There's a fine line between love and jealousy
Between fighting for your time
and fighting for your love
and letting you be

What do you want from me? 
What can I give to you 
To make you love me?
Just like you already do.

There's a gray space between
where your plans end and where mine begin
Between shutting you out
and letting you down
and bringing you in

There's a fine line between apathy and chill
between sitting back, relaxing,
or hitting a standstill.

There's a gray space between a push and a pull
Well whatever the case may be
I don't feel very comfortable.

We can't take back 
the time we spent
Not making up our minds
Sitting up on the fence


I need to get out and meet more people people. More Real people. Less BS and more COOL. Less like who I slip into being and more like the person I'd rather become.  More people who have some sort of discretion for who they call friends, and yet treat everyone as potentials.  More people who speak truth. More people I can trust.

grr.

Teeth of the Wise

My wisdom teeth are coming in.

of course, I could have said that a weekend two years and two weeks ago too. For it was on said weekend while i was camping that suddenly in the bitter cold of 4am, my wisdom teeth caused some of the most excruciating pain I had felt since...the last time I teethed. I was forced to emerge from the warm tent and wander aimlessly sucking on ice cubes until I could no longer stand the bite of the cold against my gums. I'd then spit them out and breathe vigorously as the brainfreeze set in. All this as I went from campsite to campsite stumbling out of the trees to ask anyone who was awake for a couple tylenol, holding my head in my hands. I was eventually given a whole bottle of tylenol 3's or something, which over the course of 8 hours i downed half of.

I would become psychotically depressed for a few weeks after this until the tylenol worked its way out of my bloodstream.

Exactly two years later, it happened again.

and now two WEEKS later, i'm once again away from home, and my jaw is killing me. NO i will not go to the dentist. NO i will not go to the front desk of the hotel and ask if they have tylenol. NO. If my teeth want to fight me, i'll fight back.


I need to find something to do tonight. This is gonna be a long summer. But usually we say that with a smile.


Woohoo for movies and music and books. How's it goin?

Oh the wonders of working on the west coast while wining and dining on...KD?

This blog started way back when, with me talking about how I was off to Vancouver.


Well I'm baaacckkk!


I'm here working this time instead of hitchhiking with weapons-dealers, but hey...it was a free trip again, so i'll take what i can get (plus it's actually whistler, which is 'nestled' in the mountains). I will try not to spend more than I make, which basically means going to the (still overpriced) store to buy and make food. There's no excuse--my room has a kitchen. However, i was thinking...

If they stopped putting such ugly people on our money, perhaps we'd spend less of it and be more inclined to keep more attractive faces in our wallet. Think about it. I should run for PM and change the world with sexier money.

Check out this Spicy Song, cuz I love it.

Is There A Ghost

Band Of Horses

Cease To Begin

This song actually reminds me of Iceland, and we used it as a basis for the sound of 'Lost' in some ways, but traveling anywhere reminds me of this song because I discovered it flying over Greenland as I began Josh And Darcy's Epic Adventure. Good times.

Also, the New Pornographers song was written about Vancouver, so it is in some ways fitting. Though I'm not a huge fan of their songs in general...but i am a huge fan of vancouver. Go Canucks? Oh yesyoubetcha, go Canucks. Why? because they have skill, and Calgary doesn't. See that bandwagon? I jumped on it...for now.

Josh is busy this weekend,

Please leave a message after the tone.

Afraid of Fear + Breaking The Silence

 Afraid of Fear

J:I am afraid.

Afraid of what?

J:I don't know.

You don't know what you are afraid of?

J:No...I am afraid of what I do not know.

You are afraid of the unknown?

J:Maybe that's it. I don't know that either.

Ah..there's many things you don't know. In fact, what do you know?

J:The past.

And yet the past offers no comfort to you, does it?

J:No. It is the future that is the concern. The Future is the Unknown.

So if the past is of little use, then what relevant knowledge do you possess?

J:I suppose the only thing I know is that I don't truly know anything.

You said you are afraid of what you do not know. So you're afraid of everything?

J:No. I'm not afraid of what I can control.

If you know nothing, then how can you control anything?

J:Can I not control without knowledge?

What is control, then, if you neither know what you control, nor how to control it?

J:I guess I can never be sure I'm in control of anything.

If you cannot be sure, then you can never be in control, can you? And if you cannot control anything, then the question stands: are you afraid of everything you cannot control?

J:I am not afraid of that which I cannot control; I am afraid that I have no control. I feel powerless.

So your lack of control is what scares you.

J:Yes, I feel vulnerable. Vulnerability can be scary. That I know for sure.

If you acknowledge you cannot be in control of anything, then the problem is not trying to gain power over life, but instead to be at peace with your vulnerability.

J:It is only a natural instinct for me to want to protect myself.

From what?

J:The unknown.

But I thought we already--

J:--yes, I know. We agreed I don't know anything.

So then from what do you need protection? Everything? What shield can you carry that will protect you from the unknown, and therefore everything? 

J:There is no such shield.

So then how do you fight the unknown?

J:I guess you cannot defend from it but only attack.

Ah..for what purpose?

J:If I strike out into the territory of the unknown and cover as much land as possible, then I can at least have a glimpse of certainty.

And that will give you control?

J:No...I may be able to walk through the land of the unknown and see things that shed light on my life, but those lands are not under my control.

Is that better than running from the unknown?

J:It's risky, I suppose. But as the Future changes to the past, I will then gain knowledge of what IS, rather than hiding and wondering what could have been.

So...you would find peace in moving forward and taking risks in order to see what is possible. Then why don't you do it?

J:Fear, still.

Not fear of the unknown?

J:no.

Not fear of the lack of control?

J:no.Fear that from the lack of control of the future, it remains to me unknown whether success is possible or not.

Fear, then, of...

J:...Failure. Yes. I am afraid that in traveling the lands of the unknown, I will have experiences that do not benefit me. And it is that possibility of pain that keeps me from action, from letting down my flimsy shield, and from charging into the unknown.

What kind of experiences?

J:People might lie. They might hurt me. If I open up, then they can take everything from me, and I will be worse off.

Have people not lied to you already? Have they not hurt you and taken more than you thought you could stand to lose?

J:Yes. That has already happened to me.

And what happened next?

J:I'm standing here, afraid.

Afraid that it might happen again?

J:Yes. Afraid that I will be hurt again.

You won't.

J:Really? How do you know?

Because if you continue to live in fear, then you will never be able to open up, and if you never open your heart to anyone, then they cannot take a thing from you. But this is only possible if you continue to live in fear.

J:I cannot live in fear. I don't want to. I also do not want to get hurt.

The only way to move past the hurt is to open up again. And, yes, that can be frightening. It is an ongoing battle of getting hurt and then conquering the fear that the pain creates. The good news is that you will learn from each painful experience, and overcome it with ease (and with less fear) in the future. And in this way, you'll never be 'worse off' from any experience, and the only thing you will fear is fear itself.

J:What is the alternative?

Your other option is to never learn, never to love, and never to live without fear of..everything unknown.

J:That is the most frightening possibility. Of that kind of life I am most afraid.

Then charge into the Unknown! If not because you crave the adventure that awaits you, then only to avoid the alternative: a life-sapping fear, and dream-rotting worry, a stagnant soul that finds no joy and clings only to the knowledge of the pains of the past.

______________________________________________________________

Breaking The Silence

This is not the first time I've tried to break this blogging silence, but it is the first successful attempt. As life changes and I'm approached with new Unknowns, I seek to adapt and learn and live and love. That seemed to require some silence, a cessation in writing in order to listen. The dynamic of these writings (and the frequency of them) has changed many times in the last 8 months, and once again, this blog will reflect the changes in my life. 

Spicy Song of the Week will no longer be weekly. DUN DUN DUN.

haha.

No but seriously, I can't keep up right now. Life is kicking me in the face, and has been since mid January. As things begin to slow down, my body is currently reminding me that it was not designed to be so stressed for so long, and i'm finally getting sick. Being sick is the only thing that has made me have time to write again, and I don't plan on being sick for very long or too often, so we'll see how things settle. And at that point, I'll write more. I write for me now, and doubt many people bother checking this site after such a long silence, but I don't mind. I feel a lot better now.

Hello.

Spicy Song Of The Week

And by THE week, I mean LAST week.

I can explain. Just not here. I'm not interested sharing with the blogosphere just what has been distracting me from writing. I will say she's very cute. Along with homework, various jobs, family and friends, I had to build a new back burner farther back than any burner before, and that's where blogging ended up.

So with a focus on last week, let's see..

I made the bold move of asking a girl out on a REAL date, and then as soon as she said yes, I disappeared for five days to work the Calgary Auto Show. Good move...let the suspense grow.

Anyways, I worked the Autoshow. For Dodge. Now I don't care one bit if you like Dodge, or Ford, or GMC. I don't care whether you like trucks. I don't even care if you like cars in general.  What gets me wound up is when stupid truck people  feel like I need to know what kind of truck they have, and how there's is so much better than any dodge truck. I became quite the smartass with these people, pulling out words longer than their handlebar moustaches in order to confuse them and encourage them to leave me alone. Truck people who come to the autoshow freak me out. Depress me. Make me feel ashamed for western culture. THEY are the cliche, typical people we imagine when we try and describe our civilization's consumerist flaws. Global warming? Truck people. Wasting of resources? Truck people. Poor money management, terrible health, low education....................................truck people. They came out in HERDS to the autoshow, drooling and puking and stumbling around half drunk to put greasy fingers all over the highly polished cars, emotionally battered blonde bombshell girlfriend in tow, overshadowed by the 'beauty' of a diesel engine.

Don't get me wrong...not ALL truck people are like this. There were some regular, smart, funny, and healthy people passionate about these trucks. But the concentration of degenerates in the Dodge area versus the Jaguar, Land Rover, or even just Honda area? It's no coincidence. But alas, they pay me well to smile and convince people that Dodge is awesome, and if anyone can act the part, it's me. Plus they cleaned up the puke pretty quickly. Money in the bank!

So a bold move followed by an eyebrow raising five days summarizes last week pretty well. I didn't have much of a chance to listen to music, but I wanted to throw in a band that has eluded this playlist thus far, so after the long rant, let's get to it.

Myriad Harbour

The New Pornographers

Challengers

This is not their best song. It's just that Darcy and I used to play this song. We didn't quite know all the words, so we'd make them up. With a whopping three chords, it sure did challenge our ability....ok not really, but it was fun. It was chill. We just took it one verse at a time and had fun the whole way. It's a metaphor for my new outlook on relationships. One day at a time, and it better be fun. Oh...and so far? it's been fun. And so unexpected.

In general right now, though, I'm just waiting for summer. I feel like 'fun' is on hold until there's no such thing as papers and midterms. One day at a time, and I'll try not to get completely burnt out.

Spicy Song Of The Week

I can't focus. On anything. Not even writing this. And I don't know why. I had a blast last night. Though as always, I worry I made a fool of myself. But I don't think so. Not yet, anyways. I tried to be awesome, to be me... to talk less and listen more. But that wasn't too hard since a) I WANTED to listen, and b) she likes to talk. Funny how that always works out.

Anyways, I thoroughly enjoyed the whole evening, even if it was long and we were both tired.The music was great. I knew if I waited to write this week's SSOTW, it would be worth it: I discovered an awesome band.

It's kinda a mix between Michael Bernard Fitzgerald and some generic 90's band, with the voice & style, slightly reminding me of The Dudes. Best described as 'unique but familiar', this guy makes me jealous. He totally looks like Ryan Gosling from The Notebook. No fair, since he sings so well too. Anyways, this is  3.8 minutes of fun that captures the awesomeness of my night. Check this guy out on Myspace...he's from Calgary!

In This Moment

Noel Johnson

Spirit Of The Day

Best Commerical

He's on a horse.

Define: Can't Handle

1. I just spent 3 minutes analyzing my fingerprints. It's unbelievable that those tiny little things are like a piece of my soul. Like no one else, my soul is unique. My fingerprints define me. When i touch something, a tiny little bit of ME is left there, and you can SEE it. My thoughts, feelings, ambitions, worries, and stresses are all symbolified..no..that's not a word. SYMBOLIZED by that little unique mark in the universe. BOOM. That was your mind being blown.

2. I told Quade today that I want to live in a vacuum for a little while. But not a hoover vacuum. I mean the one with neither space nor time nor people nor events nor deadlines nor girls nor school nor work nor hunger. He suggested that I go to a small island. I told him that that's not good enough. What I would need to do is go to an island, dig a hole, and crawl into it with nothing more than chips, salsa, and 4 seasons of Family Matters. That's basically the desperate state my mind is in right now. So unhealthy.

3.Guys, the sun? It's SO far away. Just stop tomorrow and look up and see where it is, so bright and big and epic. Yet it's completely silent. It's mind-numbingly far away. and most importantly...it's just floating there. Just chillin in the sky.

"Doo dum diddy dee I'm the sun, hangin with my pals, the planets, suspended in an endless void. Don't mind me."

Don't even get me started on the moon.    The MOON.


4. I'm going crazy. Reading week was so much more stressful than a regular week, and I still haven't gotten caught up. I'm going to have varied conversations (of various lengths and depths) with around 11 different people tomorrow in person when in fact I should be writing a paper. This paper? Oh man. I think this sums it up nicely: I was falling behind in this class and asked for an extension on this 2500 word essay. He tells me I have an extra weekend. The next day, he sends the whole class an email giving EVERYONE an extension. SO...can i have an ACTUAL extension on top of that now please? I need to feel special. Superior. oorr....at least less panicked than everyone else.

5. This kid I mentor? He calls me at 11:38 PM to tell me he thinks the Joker from Batman is hiding in his room. Oh..and that he has been watching scary movies. DUDE. KID. Stop watching the movies. That way we can both get a little sleep, aight?

6. It's so painful to read my posts from last year. I was SO bored. I had time to be interesting. I should have been communicating with future Josh and helping him out then. Now I resent you, past Josh. How do you like that? ANSWER ME.

7. I can't handle.

So.....umm.....yeah....how's it goin?

When did I become so brutally socially awkward?

Or...better question: Why did it take me so long to notice how socially awkward I am? I hope I'm the only one who notices my discomfort. But... I'm not the only one who notices, am I?

It's like I'm shy, but continuously try and fight to overcome it. Hence, many social fails.

I just found out that February has only 28 days. This means the paper that I thought was due on wednesday---it's due on monday. Guess I better get to work.

Spicy Song Of The Week

And by THE week, I mean THE week that just went by.

I swear I don't usually procrastinate.

HAHAAHA!

Guys, Tic Toc still hasn't come in the mail, so i STILL can't put it online...technically. But I think I will on Sunday anyways. But THIS week:

Swing Life Away

Rise Against

Siren Song of Counter Culture

This week was rough. Highs and lows. I'm very glad it's over, though this whole 'trying to do well' thing sure does mess with my mind and/or life. 

In other news, Cheryl Bernard, you are freaking awesome and so is curling, so thanks for givin' your all.

I'm still confused how bobsledding is a sport. What is the back guy doing? He's freaking praying as hard as he can that the front guy knows what he's doing. What is the front guy doing? Praying as hard as he can that they don't get beheaded. It may be a mental workout, and the first push-off no doubt takes strength, but I'm still unsure of how 95% of any run is legitimate competition. Someone enlighten me. Also, let's kick the Americans out of the Olympics. Tell them that terrorists make money betting on their athletes, or that the 2012 Olympics have been moved to Cuba, and they aren't invited.

 Except Shaun White. He can stay. Because during the off-season, he is actually the Sasquatch roaming the forests close to home. And I don't want to make Sasquatch Angry...

"GRAWWWWWWRRR!"

Angry. Not A Good Day. Don't Want To Talk.

I am NOT happy. It's mostly unjustified, but almost every article in the paper and every customer at safeway tonight is just grating on my nerves. I want so badly to rant about government's insincerity, the naive public who thinks that will ever change, and stupid people who aren't worth the food they buy at safeway--even though it's on sale--- DO NOT TAKE THE BOTTOM APPLE FROM THE STACK. WHAT DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN? And how can you possibly be mad at ME for that? Go home. Your kids need help, if basic physics boggles you.


Don't read the following rant. Now you've been warned.



I want to rant about religion. Holy hell, what is wrong with people? I drove past a church today, and like so many churches, they have those obnoxious signs that are supposed to show inspiring messages. This particular message read:

" 'Last time things were this bad, I sent a Flood'

-God"

Hey Church--Screw you! God didn't say those words, you said them. You wanna put words in God's mouth now? Who gave you that right? Or did God actually write that on the wall of your church in front of the preacher? Pics or it didn't happen. That's a really disgusting marketing scheme, too. Stick to the bible! Don't go Catholic on us and try and instill fear in the passing drivers so that maybe we'll pop in next sunday and pray to God that he doesn't send another flood.

I can just imagine all the church goers throwing out an 'amen' as they walk past the sign into church. Gross. Reminds me of the time I saw a whole congregation convinced there used to be giants because archeologists found 'really big beds' and so then it must be true. Everyone nodded and smiled, utterly and pathetically convinced. I don't care if there were giants. Maybe there were. But don't be convinced by a sermon where the pinnacle of proof is big beds. Beds. That marked the end of religion in my life.

Don't Confuse Religion with Spirituality. Don't confuse Church with God. Entirely different.

There's things we'd all like to believe are true about God. But don't even think for one second you actually KNOW anything about him. What you've got is called a hunch. Or faith..which is holding on to something in the absence of knowledge. 

I better stop now before I say what's really on my mind. I'm not out to insult anyone.If you feel insulted by this, then that would mean you disagree with something I've said, and that's not my issue. That's yours.

Spicy Song Of The Week

Ok guys, this is exciting! We recorded and mixed one of our new songs over the last few months, and then sent it off to New Jersey to get mastered. I still don't understand what mastering is. My job is to play guitar and sing... so that's what I do. And the final product is pretty sweet, so I'm happy with it.

Here's the catch...we aren't releasing this song until next saturday, but I wanted to include it here so that when I make the playlist available for download, it would be included!

Darcy likes to introduce this song on stage by saying, "this is the song about how I have no friends." Okay, Darcy...well if it mean we keep writing songs like this, then no friends for you.

Tic Toc

Walking Backwards

Walking Backwards

!! I finished my paper, which brings my list accomplishments to 4 out of 36 tasks complete! Woot. woot......gah.


Do you guys remember passing notes in class? And there was a cool way that girls would always fold them. They were almost boy-proof: if a boy tried to open them, they'd just rip them and then the secret message would be lost for.ev.er. Notes were a big deal. Passing them between classes, asking girls out, getting denied, and managing inter-group relations and other junior high drama. Doodles, codes, games, ahhh good times..

BUT.

I just talked to a few girls in grade 10, and they didn't know how to fold notes. They couldn't do the triangle or the square. In fact, they didn't even really pass notes at all!
WHAT? A keystone of any childhood! Gone?!

Guess why. Cellphones. All these kids have cellphones. They just text. It's safe, its secure, and it's more efficient than passing it three desks over hoping the creep in the middle doesn't read it. (I was that creep sometimes. I read them).

Sad revelation. Please teach your younger siblings how note passing works. We can't let this die.

Ok that's enough from me. Time to go be sociiiaall.

What Would Jesus Nuke? And what would happen if you microwaved a microwave?

Say we discovered an advanced alien race and they had religion of their own...okay just bear with me here.

Upon learning about it, I wonder what percentage of the human population would convert. Or would they convert to ours? Or would we discover that they bleed oil and all just start warring amongst ourselves and against the aliens and kill off both them and us? Yeah..that's probably what would happen.

Because dats how we roll. The religion of nukes... Nukism.

Also...they tell you not to put metal in the microwave, right?


Well then tell me, mister geniuses, why did you make the entire inside of my microwave STAINLESS STEEL?!!?

hah. Busted. two points me.

The List + failure = no surprise

My 'Week On' list of things to get done is looking more like a list of things I wish I could have accomplished this week. I managed to stick to the working out routine and that's about it. Work + plus certain other out-of-the-ordinary activities have eaten up a lot of time. And now I've spent how many hours sitting around trying to write an outline for an essay about Galileo and his awesomeness.

I have not forgotten about SSOTW...it's just that this song can't technically be released yet ;-) so it'll still count for this week, but i'll probably write it later today or tomorrow, though you won't hear the song for a few days yet!

Now..back to Galileo.

Go Canada! Olympics are awesome!

I'm watching speed skating

while I wait for my laundry to dry. And all this time I thought the creepy russian man was saying "go to the stars" before each pair races. Why? I dunno..good luck tradition in speed skating, I assumed.

And then in my daze of delirium, a moment of clarity. They are saying "go to the start."


Oh....


I liked 'stars' better. It was all inspirational and stuff.

 

Olympics are cramping my productivity. Dangit.

!!

Lost!

It's started again! I am so glad it's the last season. I remember starting to watch it all them years back right from the first season. It's been a good ride, but i'm tired of HAVING to watch TV. I've got other ways I need to waste my time. Priorities. Basically, I'm just waiting to find out about that polar bear nonsense. Oh..and the statue.

The Dudes!

GAAHH I love this band. Band-crush. I don't know who screamed louder when he hit his guitar solo dead on: the 14 year old girls in front of me...or me. It was a competition. I'll be seeing these guys as often as I can. So much to learn from them. So much to love. Please go buy their CDs (or illegally download. That's cool too). "I'm not supposed to call her--she's gonna call me laadee daa" awesome!

Friends!

I've come to the tentative conclusion that I'm pretty average in almost every way and in everything I do...except I have good friends. Like...awesome friends. There's a LOT of idiots, jerks and backstabbing social cannibals out there, but these guys I call pals are great. And I'm meeting so many awesome people all the time too!

Money!

no wait..there's no good news in this department...

No money!

That's more like it :D  This department is alive and well.

Random things to consider:

Burt's Bees with honey: don't buy it. It's really awful. But now that I've bought it, I'm going to have to suffer for the next 5 months until it runs out. Wanna trade?

Bought new ear buds too, and they already fuzz out. Buying stuff is lame.

I have a whole week off school, and I'm going to be trying my hardest to be uber-productive and work out 4 times, eat 28 meals, spend 0 dollars, write 3 papers, save 1 life, smile 200 smiles, and watch Canada win 200 gold medals.  Fix one bike and two guitars, drink 60 glasses of water and write 2 blog posts, read 1 book, and work 32 hours.This week will not be a week off...but a week ON.

You might notice i'm in an inexplicably good mood. No reason...no reason at all.


Olympics!

Hockey. Curling. Moguls. Speed skate. NOT figure skating. = Life!


Anyone with me on this?: The lighting of the torch was kinda silly, and really anticlimactic. I'm glad Gretzky did it...but it just seems silly that it took four people to actually present it. I dunno.

Spicy Song of the week tomorrow...numba 25!

Spicy Song Of The Week

Life is good. And I don't know why. I could list off the usual 1.2 million reasons why I should just go back to bed, but inexplicably, I am good. Good.

This week I learned what empathy feels like, and let me tell you it's a brutal feeling. But I don't need to tell you that, since you have all been experiencing moments of sharing people's pain for years now. I'm just playing catch-up, I guess. I have definitely been reminded that I'm alive.

---


Me: I'm probably going for coffee with a girl on Thursday!

Someone else: Cool. Just probably? Do you think it will work out?

Me: Well, she has plans to be in school for the next 6 years, but she's hoping to stay at the University of Calgary, so there's potential. Plus she's really into a lot of the same things as me, and we've really hit it off already!

Someone else: ..no..Josh...will the COFFEE DATE work out?

Me: Oh....yeah.

Trying to not let things get to my head. But I just did a simple calculation: The last time I was starting a relationship, I was 16. I'm turning 22 this year. I'm very nervous about still seeming like i'm that old now. Because that was 6 years ago. That feels wrong. Scary stuff. 

This is Spicy Song Of The Week Number Twenty Four! When I hit 25 (next week...), I will figure out how to put them all up for download as a playlist! That way you can take some Spicy Songs with you as you go about your day.

This band reminds me of being 16. I really didn't like being 16. At least, I don't like the thought of being 16. I'm glad I'm not anymore. Just saying. This song is off the second disc of In Your Honor, which is acoustic-based and very light...interesting move for a band born out of Nirvana. I give you Foo Fighters..and Norah Jones. What kind of collaboration is that? These guys were the second concert I ever went to...after Linkin Park....oh my.

Virginia Moon

Foo Fighters & Norah Jones

In Your Honor

 

Spicy Song Of The Week

Hi,

my name is Imogen Heap. My pal, Josh M (The Smug Ant) asked me to step in and write a few words for him while he's busy being awesome elsewhere. I just wanted to pop in and tell all my fans that you're almost as fantastic as Josh, which is saying a lot. Like...a LOT.

Also, please buy all my music and t-shirts and come to all my shows. I bet you're dying to hear how I make my voice sound so crazy. The truth? It's effects-free. Mhm...I just sound like that all the time. The guys love it, but I make babies cry. It's give and take, can't win em all. Thanks fans, don't do drugs, and hold hands when you cross the street. Or hold hands all the time. That's cool too. PS, tell all your friends about this awesome blog!

~ i H

Hide And Seek

Imogen Heap

The Last Kiss Soundtrack

One Day / What's On Your Mind?

The rain can fall

And the sun wont shine

The clouds come out

But nothing's gonna change my mind

I said I want to be with you

That's exactly what I'm gonna do

You guard your heart

But our eyes collide

Yeah you guard your heart

Close the door--you turn out the light

Tell me what's on your mind, what's on your mind?

If I look what will I find, what will I find?

'Cause you know I need it, but I can't read it

So tell me what's on your mind, what's on your mind?

Whoa tick tock, you watch the clock, 

it's all been fun 

but time is running away from you

And that won't do

Tell me what's on your mind, what's on your mind?

If I look what will I find, what will I find?

'Cause you know I need it, but I can't read it

So tell me what's on your mind, what's on your mind?

And I've only known you one day.

Passion, Music, and So Like Yeah.

Spicy Song Of The Week

I would like us all just to close our eyes. Ok now read this: ...no wait. Open your eyes to read it...but then close them and think--no..just close ONE eye and read this.

Today is Sunday, January 24th.

Today is Sunday January 24th.

Today is Sunday January 24th!

And this is the spicy song for this week.

This is the first time I have had a moment to sit down and actually write in almost two weeks. I've noticed a trend that the more depressed/bored/alone I feel, the more I write, and the more you enjoy it. Stop taking pleasure in my misery. That's heartless.

Little House

The Fray

How To Save A Life

These guys. Ahhhh! He sings so perfectly, the piano-- and there's an epic band to make the sound so HUGE. If only these guys would come to Calgary!

OH WAIT 

Sadly, this event is merely serves as a reminder of the current financial situation. With tuition due, and the news of upcoming tuition hikes, rent, Groceries... (we have no bread, milk, cereal, rice, tuna....but we gots eggs), I'll limit my spending to good ol Tim Horton's and billsbillsbillsbills.

The question is naturally brought up: There must be a better way to pay rent then in Canadian dollars. Or dollars in general. What if I called up the rental agency and said, "listen, I'm a little short on coin right now. Maybe we can work something out? Like popcorn kernels." Or write them a song. Surely if you give them enough other stuff, they will accept it over money! Everyone has their weakness! I just have to find theirs...

..then I can go to The Fray. Maybe their fan base would be as beautifully attractive and 80% female just like Tegan and Sara's was. HOoOoo man.

I don't have time

I don't have time to talk to people who don't have time for people who don't talk to people who don't have time to talk to people.


But I've got time for you.

Name Games

"Hi, I'm Josh!"

"Yeah.. I know. You introduced yourself five minutes ago."

"Wait...did I? Are you that same person?"

"Mhm."

"So...what's your name?"

This had to stop. At some point, I would have to be able to remember faces and names. It's kinda important if I want to meet people. Especially around people who I've seen four or five times, it's not cool to say "hey, I forgot your name...um..sorry" so I have to be subtle about it. But even my old stand-by technique for these situations was beginning to fail too often:

"Hey man, I was putting my number in your phone, and I just wanted to make sure I spelled your name right."

"Hahaha good one."

"No..seriously. How do you spell your name?"

"Wait--actually? ...It's Adam. A-D-A-M."

"Oh. yeah...um cool. Thanks"

Or worse yet, they'll ask how I THINK it's spelled. Dang.

So the resolution was born to know the names of people I talk to. It had been going pretty well, I thought I was on a roll. I could remember the names of people I'd only met once and had hardly talked with. I guess they like that, because it sure did make it easier to talk to them again. 


But then I was thrown a curve ball, in the form of a text message.


"Hey, Breakfast this weekend?"
 


My first inclination was to say "sure!" but then I realized I hadn't checked who sent it to me. Breakfast is a sacred time of day, and I choose my eating partners carefully, in order to start my day off right. This time, however, it came from an unknown number. Frick, I thought, I can't go asking "who is this?" to someone who feels comfortable enough to go for breakfast with me. I can't face that embarrassment. So I was left with only one option:

"Sure, great idea! But I'm tutoring/working both days" (and then in order to fish for some information) "how about during the week?"

The answer was discomforting. "Nope, I work 9-5 every day."

Shucks. So which of my friends work full time and would want to for breakfast with me?  I have gone for breakfast with two people recently, and yet I don't have either number in my phone. Why? Well, facebook usually trumps any other medium of conversation. I at least deduce that I'm texting with a girl. How do I know this? Well, Watson, girls tend to have far more impeccable grammar and sentence structure when texting. And these texts were in A+ shape. But anyways, there was a mystery to solve. So I replied:


"Well we'll have to figure something out."

She says:

"Yeah! There's so much I have to catch up with you"

an hour later:

"What are the chances you are at the Mother Mother concert tonight?"

Okay STOP. That's a pretty obscure concert to casually wonder if I was at, isn't it? This means that she may read my blog, since I don't think I've ever uttered a word about that band in conversation, but it was a Spicy Song Of The Week a while ago....( So, mystery texter, if you're reading this now: you win. I don't have your number saved, and it's driving me crazy. I'm sorry. Breakfast sounds good. Cora's? Cuz Nellie's has mouse poo in their food.)


So she likes Mother Mother, works 9-5, and hasn't seen me in a while. I needed more info to crack this. Perhaps I know their friends?

"No I didn't go to the concert. Who did you go with?"

"Julie gave me a ticket."

Julie. Like most common name everrr. Hope is lost for now...unless...

Ending #1:


We go for breakfast. And I just find out when I get there who the mystery pal is as I scan the restaurant for familiar faces. Then I sit down, order 2 eggs, some ham, beans, pancakes, and tea. Then I smile and say "hey. I'm glad you texted me. It's been a while."And as soon as I leave the restaurant, I change the name of the contact in my phone from "Who???" to their name. Spelled correctly. Because I never had to ask. Because I know my friends' names. Yeah.



Alternate ending:


I book the breakfast date for Sunday morning, at Cora's. I once again forget to set my alarm, and end up arriving late. While I'm on my way over, I get a text from Who??? saying "I have a table, just look for me when you walk in." ..Okay...so now I look for someone I know. I get there, walk in and the place isn't too full yet. And I see one of my friends, sitting alone, clearly waiting for someone. I smile and walk towards her. Then, two tables down I see someone ELSE I know sitting alone, waiting for someone. Oh no. What now? Which person is expecting me? Which person seems surprised to see me? GYAH!



Alternate Alternate ending:

I walk into the restaurant at the chosen time and scan the crowd. I don't recognize anyone. Hmm... Is "Who???" late? Or---oh wait. This is awkward. She might have been texting me as a wrong number. Friiickk. Ok now I look for anyone sitting alone... There. In the corner. She seems nice. I hope it's her, but I don't know for sure. So I call the number on my cellphone. Her phone rings.  I walk over to the table and hold up my phone as she answers hers. 

"Uh..hello?" she says into her phone, trying to put the pieces together, since according to her caller ID, "Laura" is supposed to be calling her and she's apparently running late, but there's a random guy in front of her holding up his cellphone, chuckling.


"Hi," I say, smiling. "Do you know what you're going to order? I'm starving. Breakfast was a great idea!" I sit down as she sits there confused, crack open the menu and look up at her. "So, what's all this news you had to fill me in on?"