Define: Can't Handle

1. I just spent 3 minutes analyzing my fingerprints. It's unbelievable that those tiny little things are like a piece of my soul. Like no one else, my soul is unique. My fingerprints define me. When i touch something, a tiny little bit of ME is left there, and you can SEE it. My thoughts, feelings, ambitions, worries, and stresses are all symbolified..no..that's not a word. SYMBOLIZED by that little unique mark in the universe. BOOM. That was your mind being blown.

2. I told Quade today that I want to live in a vacuum for a little while. But not a hoover vacuum. I mean the one with neither space nor time nor people nor events nor deadlines nor girls nor school nor work nor hunger. He suggested that I go to a small island. I told him that that's not good enough. What I would need to do is go to an island, dig a hole, and crawl into it with nothing more than chips, salsa, and 4 seasons of Family Matters. That's basically the desperate state my mind is in right now. So unhealthy.

3.Guys, the sun? It's SO far away. Just stop tomorrow and look up and see where it is, so bright and big and epic. Yet it's completely silent. It's mind-numbingly far away. and most importantly...it's just floating there. Just chillin in the sky.

"Doo dum diddy dee I'm the sun, hangin with my pals, the planets, suspended in an endless void. Don't mind me."

Don't even get me started on the moon.    The MOON.


4. I'm going crazy. Reading week was so much more stressful than a regular week, and I still haven't gotten caught up. I'm going to have varied conversations (of various lengths and depths) with around 11 different people tomorrow in person when in fact I should be writing a paper. This paper? Oh man. I think this sums it up nicely: I was falling behind in this class and asked for an extension on this 2500 word essay. He tells me I have an extra weekend. The next day, he sends the whole class an email giving EVERYONE an extension. SO...can i have an ACTUAL extension on top of that now please? I need to feel special. Superior. oorr....at least less panicked than everyone else.

5. This kid I mentor? He calls me at 11:38 PM to tell me he thinks the Joker from Batman is hiding in his room. Oh..and that he has been watching scary movies. DUDE. KID. Stop watching the movies. That way we can both get a little sleep, aight?

6. It's so painful to read my posts from last year. I was SO bored. I had time to be interesting. I should have been communicating with future Josh and helping him out then. Now I resent you, past Josh. How do you like that? ANSWER ME.

7. I can't handle.

So.....umm.....yeah....how's it goin?

When did I become so brutally socially awkward?

Or...better question: Why did it take me so long to notice how socially awkward I am? I hope I'm the only one who notices my discomfort. But... I'm not the only one who notices, am I?

It's like I'm shy, but continuously try and fight to overcome it. Hence, many social fails.

I just found out that February has only 28 days. This means the paper that I thought was due on wednesday---it's due on monday. Guess I better get to work.

Spicy Song Of The Week

And by THE week, I mean THE week that just went by.

I swear I don't usually procrastinate.

HAHAAHA!

Guys, Tic Toc still hasn't come in the mail, so i STILL can't put it online...technically. But I think I will on Sunday anyways. But THIS week:

Swing Life Away

Rise Against

Siren Song of Counter Culture

This week was rough. Highs and lows. I'm very glad it's over, though this whole 'trying to do well' thing sure does mess with my mind and/or life. 

In other news, Cheryl Bernard, you are freaking awesome and so is curling, so thanks for givin' your all.

I'm still confused how bobsledding is a sport. What is the back guy doing? He's freaking praying as hard as he can that the front guy knows what he's doing. What is the front guy doing? Praying as hard as he can that they don't get beheaded. It may be a mental workout, and the first push-off no doubt takes strength, but I'm still unsure of how 95% of any run is legitimate competition. Someone enlighten me. Also, let's kick the Americans out of the Olympics. Tell them that terrorists make money betting on their athletes, or that the 2012 Olympics have been moved to Cuba, and they aren't invited.

 Except Shaun White. He can stay. Because during the off-season, he is actually the Sasquatch roaming the forests close to home. And I don't want to make Sasquatch Angry...

"GRAWWWWWWRRR!"

Angry. Not A Good Day. Don't Want To Talk.

I am NOT happy. It's mostly unjustified, but almost every article in the paper and every customer at safeway tonight is just grating on my nerves. I want so badly to rant about government's insincerity, the naive public who thinks that will ever change, and stupid people who aren't worth the food they buy at safeway--even though it's on sale--- DO NOT TAKE THE BOTTOM APPLE FROM THE STACK. WHAT DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN? And how can you possibly be mad at ME for that? Go home. Your kids need help, if basic physics boggles you.


Don't read the following rant. Now you've been warned.



I want to rant about religion. Holy hell, what is wrong with people? I drove past a church today, and like so many churches, they have those obnoxious signs that are supposed to show inspiring messages. This particular message read:

" 'Last time things were this bad, I sent a Flood'

-God"

Hey Church--Screw you! God didn't say those words, you said them. You wanna put words in God's mouth now? Who gave you that right? Or did God actually write that on the wall of your church in front of the preacher? Pics or it didn't happen. That's a really disgusting marketing scheme, too. Stick to the bible! Don't go Catholic on us and try and instill fear in the passing drivers so that maybe we'll pop in next sunday and pray to God that he doesn't send another flood.

I can just imagine all the church goers throwing out an 'amen' as they walk past the sign into church. Gross. Reminds me of the time I saw a whole congregation convinced there used to be giants because archeologists found 'really big beds' and so then it must be true. Everyone nodded and smiled, utterly and pathetically convinced. I don't care if there were giants. Maybe there were. But don't be convinced by a sermon where the pinnacle of proof is big beds. Beds. That marked the end of religion in my life.

Don't Confuse Religion with Spirituality. Don't confuse Church with God. Entirely different.

There's things we'd all like to believe are true about God. But don't even think for one second you actually KNOW anything about him. What you've got is called a hunch. Or faith..which is holding on to something in the absence of knowledge. 

I better stop now before I say what's really on my mind. I'm not out to insult anyone.If you feel insulted by this, then that would mean you disagree with something I've said, and that's not my issue. That's yours.

Spicy Song Of The Week

Ok guys, this is exciting! We recorded and mixed one of our new songs over the last few months, and then sent it off to New Jersey to get mastered. I still don't understand what mastering is. My job is to play guitar and sing... so that's what I do. And the final product is pretty sweet, so I'm happy with it.

Here's the catch...we aren't releasing this song until next saturday, but I wanted to include it here so that when I make the playlist available for download, it would be included!

Darcy likes to introduce this song on stage by saying, "this is the song about how I have no friends." Okay, Darcy...well if it mean we keep writing songs like this, then no friends for you.

Tic Toc

Walking Backwards

Walking Backwards

!! I finished my paper, which brings my list accomplishments to 4 out of 36 tasks complete! Woot. woot......gah.


Do you guys remember passing notes in class? And there was a cool way that girls would always fold them. They were almost boy-proof: if a boy tried to open them, they'd just rip them and then the secret message would be lost for.ev.er. Notes were a big deal. Passing them between classes, asking girls out, getting denied, and managing inter-group relations and other junior high drama. Doodles, codes, games, ahhh good times..

BUT.

I just talked to a few girls in grade 10, and they didn't know how to fold notes. They couldn't do the triangle or the square. In fact, they didn't even really pass notes at all!
WHAT? A keystone of any childhood! Gone?!

Guess why. Cellphones. All these kids have cellphones. They just text. It's safe, its secure, and it's more efficient than passing it three desks over hoping the creep in the middle doesn't read it. (I was that creep sometimes. I read them).

Sad revelation. Please teach your younger siblings how note passing works. We can't let this die.

Ok that's enough from me. Time to go be sociiiaall.

What Would Jesus Nuke? And what would happen if you microwaved a microwave?

Say we discovered an advanced alien race and they had religion of their own...okay just bear with me here.

Upon learning about it, I wonder what percentage of the human population would convert. Or would they convert to ours? Or would we discover that they bleed oil and all just start warring amongst ourselves and against the aliens and kill off both them and us? Yeah..that's probably what would happen.

Because dats how we roll. The religion of nukes... Nukism.

Also...they tell you not to put metal in the microwave, right?


Well then tell me, mister geniuses, why did you make the entire inside of my microwave STAINLESS STEEL?!!?

hah. Busted. two points me.

The List + failure = no surprise

My 'Week On' list of things to get done is looking more like a list of things I wish I could have accomplished this week. I managed to stick to the working out routine and that's about it. Work + plus certain other out-of-the-ordinary activities have eaten up a lot of time. And now I've spent how many hours sitting around trying to write an outline for an essay about Galileo and his awesomeness.

I have not forgotten about SSOTW...it's just that this song can't technically be released yet ;-) so it'll still count for this week, but i'll probably write it later today or tomorrow, though you won't hear the song for a few days yet!

Now..back to Galileo.

Go Canada! Olympics are awesome!

I'm watching speed skating

while I wait for my laundry to dry. And all this time I thought the creepy russian man was saying "go to the stars" before each pair races. Why? I dunno..good luck tradition in speed skating, I assumed.

And then in my daze of delirium, a moment of clarity. They are saying "go to the start."


Oh....


I liked 'stars' better. It was all inspirational and stuff.

 

Olympics are cramping my productivity. Dangit.

!!

Lost!

It's started again! I am so glad it's the last season. I remember starting to watch it all them years back right from the first season. It's been a good ride, but i'm tired of HAVING to watch TV. I've got other ways I need to waste my time. Priorities. Basically, I'm just waiting to find out about that polar bear nonsense. Oh..and the statue.

The Dudes!

GAAHH I love this band. Band-crush. I don't know who screamed louder when he hit his guitar solo dead on: the 14 year old girls in front of me...or me. It was a competition. I'll be seeing these guys as often as I can. So much to learn from them. So much to love. Please go buy their CDs (or illegally download. That's cool too). "I'm not supposed to call her--she's gonna call me laadee daa" awesome!

Friends!

I've come to the tentative conclusion that I'm pretty average in almost every way and in everything I do...except I have good friends. Like...awesome friends. There's a LOT of idiots, jerks and backstabbing social cannibals out there, but these guys I call pals are great. And I'm meeting so many awesome people all the time too!

Money!

no wait..there's no good news in this department...

No money!

That's more like it :D  This department is alive and well.

Random things to consider:

Burt's Bees with honey: don't buy it. It's really awful. But now that I've bought it, I'm going to have to suffer for the next 5 months until it runs out. Wanna trade?

Bought new ear buds too, and they already fuzz out. Buying stuff is lame.

I have a whole week off school, and I'm going to be trying my hardest to be uber-productive and work out 4 times, eat 28 meals, spend 0 dollars, write 3 papers, save 1 life, smile 200 smiles, and watch Canada win 200 gold medals.  Fix one bike and two guitars, drink 60 glasses of water and write 2 blog posts, read 1 book, and work 32 hours.This week will not be a week off...but a week ON.

You might notice i'm in an inexplicably good mood. No reason...no reason at all.


Olympics!

Hockey. Curling. Moguls. Speed skate. NOT figure skating. = Life!


Anyone with me on this?: The lighting of the torch was kinda silly, and really anticlimactic. I'm glad Gretzky did it...but it just seems silly that it took four people to actually present it. I dunno.

Spicy Song of the week tomorrow...numba 25!

Spicy Song Of The Week

Life is good. And I don't know why. I could list off the usual 1.2 million reasons why I should just go back to bed, but inexplicably, I am good. Good.

This week I learned what empathy feels like, and let me tell you it's a brutal feeling. But I don't need to tell you that, since you have all been experiencing moments of sharing people's pain for years now. I'm just playing catch-up, I guess. I have definitely been reminded that I'm alive.

---


Me: I'm probably going for coffee with a girl on Thursday!

Someone else: Cool. Just probably? Do you think it will work out?

Me: Well, she has plans to be in school for the next 6 years, but she's hoping to stay at the University of Calgary, so there's potential. Plus she's really into a lot of the same things as me, and we've really hit it off already!

Someone else: ..no..Josh...will the COFFEE DATE work out?

Me: Oh....yeah.

Trying to not let things get to my head. But I just did a simple calculation: The last time I was starting a relationship, I was 16. I'm turning 22 this year. I'm very nervous about still seeming like i'm that old now. Because that was 6 years ago. That feels wrong. Scary stuff. 

This is Spicy Song Of The Week Number Twenty Four! When I hit 25 (next week...), I will figure out how to put them all up for download as a playlist! That way you can take some Spicy Songs with you as you go about your day.

This band reminds me of being 16. I really didn't like being 16. At least, I don't like the thought of being 16. I'm glad I'm not anymore. Just saying. This song is off the second disc of In Your Honor, which is acoustic-based and very light...interesting move for a band born out of Nirvana. I give you Foo Fighters..and Norah Jones. What kind of collaboration is that? These guys were the second concert I ever went to...after Linkin Park....oh my.

Virginia Moon

Foo Fighters & Norah Jones

In Your Honor

 

Spicy Song Of The Week

Hi,

my name is Imogen Heap. My pal, Josh M (The Smug Ant) asked me to step in and write a few words for him while he's busy being awesome elsewhere. I just wanted to pop in and tell all my fans that you're almost as fantastic as Josh, which is saying a lot. Like...a LOT.

Also, please buy all my music and t-shirts and come to all my shows. I bet you're dying to hear how I make my voice sound so crazy. The truth? It's effects-free. Mhm...I just sound like that all the time. The guys love it, but I make babies cry. It's give and take, can't win em all. Thanks fans, don't do drugs, and hold hands when you cross the street. Or hold hands all the time. That's cool too. PS, tell all your friends about this awesome blog!

~ i H

Hide And Seek

Imogen Heap

The Last Kiss Soundtrack

One Day / What's On Your Mind?

The rain can fall

And the sun wont shine

The clouds come out

But nothing's gonna change my mind

I said I want to be with you

That's exactly what I'm gonna do

You guard your heart

But our eyes collide

Yeah you guard your heart

Close the door--you turn out the light

Tell me what's on your mind, what's on your mind?

If I look what will I find, what will I find?

'Cause you know I need it, but I can't read it

So tell me what's on your mind, what's on your mind?

Whoa tick tock, you watch the clock, 

it's all been fun 

but time is running away from you

And that won't do

Tell me what's on your mind, what's on your mind?

If I look what will I find, what will I find?

'Cause you know I need it, but I can't read it

So tell me what's on your mind, what's on your mind?

And I've only known you one day.

Passion, Music, and So Like Yeah.

Spicy Song Of The Week

I would like us all just to close our eyes. Ok now read this: ...no wait. Open your eyes to read it...but then close them and think--no..just close ONE eye and read this.

Today is Sunday, January 24th.

Today is Sunday January 24th.

Today is Sunday January 24th!

And this is the spicy song for this week.

This is the first time I have had a moment to sit down and actually write in almost two weeks. I've noticed a trend that the more depressed/bored/alone I feel, the more I write, and the more you enjoy it. Stop taking pleasure in my misery. That's heartless.

Little House

The Fray

How To Save A Life

These guys. Ahhhh! He sings so perfectly, the piano-- and there's an epic band to make the sound so HUGE. If only these guys would come to Calgary!

OH WAIT 

Sadly, this event is merely serves as a reminder of the current financial situation. With tuition due, and the news of upcoming tuition hikes, rent, Groceries... (we have no bread, milk, cereal, rice, tuna....but we gots eggs), I'll limit my spending to good ol Tim Horton's and billsbillsbillsbills.

The question is naturally brought up: There must be a better way to pay rent then in Canadian dollars. Or dollars in general. What if I called up the rental agency and said, "listen, I'm a little short on coin right now. Maybe we can work something out? Like popcorn kernels." Or write them a song. Surely if you give them enough other stuff, they will accept it over money! Everyone has their weakness! I just have to find theirs...

..then I can go to The Fray. Maybe their fan base would be as beautifully attractive and 80% female just like Tegan and Sara's was. HOoOoo man.

I don't have time

I don't have time to talk to people who don't have time for people who don't talk to people who don't have time to talk to people.


But I've got time for you.

Name Games

"Hi, I'm Josh!"

"Yeah.. I know. You introduced yourself five minutes ago."

"Wait...did I? Are you that same person?"

"Mhm."

"So...what's your name?"

This had to stop. At some point, I would have to be able to remember faces and names. It's kinda important if I want to meet people. Especially around people who I've seen four or five times, it's not cool to say "hey, I forgot your name...um..sorry" so I have to be subtle about it. But even my old stand-by technique for these situations was beginning to fail too often:

"Hey man, I was putting my number in your phone, and I just wanted to make sure I spelled your name right."

"Hahaha good one."

"No..seriously. How do you spell your name?"

"Wait--actually? ...It's Adam. A-D-A-M."

"Oh. yeah...um cool. Thanks"

Or worse yet, they'll ask how I THINK it's spelled. Dang.

So the resolution was born to know the names of people I talk to. It had been going pretty well, I thought I was on a roll. I could remember the names of people I'd only met once and had hardly talked with. I guess they like that, because it sure did make it easier to talk to them again. 


But then I was thrown a curve ball, in the form of a text message.


"Hey, Breakfast this weekend?"
 


My first inclination was to say "sure!" but then I realized I hadn't checked who sent it to me. Breakfast is a sacred time of day, and I choose my eating partners carefully, in order to start my day off right. This time, however, it came from an unknown number. Frick, I thought, I can't go asking "who is this?" to someone who feels comfortable enough to go for breakfast with me. I can't face that embarrassment. So I was left with only one option:

"Sure, great idea! But I'm tutoring/working both days" (and then in order to fish for some information) "how about during the week?"

The answer was discomforting. "Nope, I work 9-5 every day."

Shucks. So which of my friends work full time and would want to for breakfast with me?  I have gone for breakfast with two people recently, and yet I don't have either number in my phone. Why? Well, facebook usually trumps any other medium of conversation. I at least deduce that I'm texting with a girl. How do I know this? Well, Watson, girls tend to have far more impeccable grammar and sentence structure when texting. And these texts were in A+ shape. But anyways, there was a mystery to solve. So I replied:


"Well we'll have to figure something out."

She says:

"Yeah! There's so much I have to catch up with you"

an hour later:

"What are the chances you are at the Mother Mother concert tonight?"

Okay STOP. That's a pretty obscure concert to casually wonder if I was at, isn't it? This means that she may read my blog, since I don't think I've ever uttered a word about that band in conversation, but it was a Spicy Song Of The Week a while ago....( So, mystery texter, if you're reading this now: you win. I don't have your number saved, and it's driving me crazy. I'm sorry. Breakfast sounds good. Cora's? Cuz Nellie's has mouse poo in their food.)


So she likes Mother Mother, works 9-5, and hasn't seen me in a while. I needed more info to crack this. Perhaps I know their friends?

"No I didn't go to the concert. Who did you go with?"

"Julie gave me a ticket."

Julie. Like most common name everrr. Hope is lost for now...unless...

Ending #1:


We go for breakfast. And I just find out when I get there who the mystery pal is as I scan the restaurant for familiar faces. Then I sit down, order 2 eggs, some ham, beans, pancakes, and tea. Then I smile and say "hey. I'm glad you texted me. It's been a while."And as soon as I leave the restaurant, I change the name of the contact in my phone from "Who???" to their name. Spelled correctly. Because I never had to ask. Because I know my friends' names. Yeah.



Alternate ending:


I book the breakfast date for Sunday morning, at Cora's. I once again forget to set my alarm, and end up arriving late. While I'm on my way over, I get a text from Who??? saying "I have a table, just look for me when you walk in." ..Okay...so now I look for someone I know. I get there, walk in and the place isn't too full yet. And I see one of my friends, sitting alone, clearly waiting for someone. I smile and walk towards her. Then, two tables down I see someone ELSE I know sitting alone, waiting for someone. Oh no. What now? Which person is expecting me? Which person seems surprised to see me? GYAH!



Alternate Alternate ending:

I walk into the restaurant at the chosen time and scan the crowd. I don't recognize anyone. Hmm... Is "Who???" late? Or---oh wait. This is awkward. She might have been texting me as a wrong number. Friiickk. Ok now I look for anyone sitting alone... There. In the corner. She seems nice. I hope it's her, but I don't know for sure. So I call the number on my cellphone. Her phone rings.  I walk over to the table and hold up my phone as she answers hers. 

"Uh..hello?" she says into her phone, trying to put the pieces together, since according to her caller ID, "Laura" is supposed to be calling her and she's apparently running late, but there's a random guy in front of her holding up his cellphone, chuckling.


"Hi," I say, smiling. "Do you know what you're going to order? I'm starving. Breakfast was a great idea!" I sit down as she sits there confused, crack open the menu and look up at her. "So, what's all this news you had to fill me in on?"

Spicy Song Of The Week

A year ago, I was back from my trip, on the high of my life, just starting a new semester at school. Everything was good. People were cool, easy to talk to, and I felt healthy after trekking the world. I'd seen a disproportionately extensive number of places around the world for being gone only 4 months: Iceland, Spain, Morocco, Egypt, Athens, Jordan, India, Thailand. Traveling pushes you in so many ways. You make more memories than you are capable of remembering, and slowly they will fade. However, a year ago, they were still fresh. Every day was governed by living by the rules I had learned while traveling. I knew a happiness greater than any happiness before or since.

But there was a problem. I had a new perspective. Uh oh, right? So here I was, doing the exact same thing that I had been doing before I left: school, work, band, friends, whatever. But this time I was doing it with a new perspective, an new mindset. Entirely different thoughts. As it turns out, it's impossible to think differently and yet do the same things. Something had to give.

Sadly, for the most part, I've long lost the mindset, and still cling to the same life as before. Sure, there was a lot of changes to my thought processes, and I was no longer craving escape like I had been, but in effect, I was just Josh again. I fill the role that is expected of me. We all do. I got so frustrated about all the things I seems incapable of changing about myself.

In a way that only music can, Silversun Pickups became an audible form of my identity. I lived in this album. Every note, beat, and lyric. I sung these songs as I went from my highest high to my lowest low. They needed to be in this play list eventually, so why not a year after their initial significance?

Rusted Wheel

Silversun Pickups

Carnavas

Unless you've seen us live+full band, you won't be able to make the connection, but Silversun Pickups was a huge source of inspiration for me writing the music for Cross Your Fingers.

Ok. Breakfast time. Yeup...eggs.

A Depressing Solution: Hapathy

It's all about finding the middle road. Everything in moderation-- including moderation, you might say.

You don't want to be TOO happy. Then you just freak people out. Don't be that person walking alone down the street with a crazy lopsided smile plastered across their tilted face, blinking every second, and muttering something under their breath. When you're so psychotically happy, it can skew your perspective on reality. Happiness will punch you in the face smash your glasses so you can't see the world too clearly, and no one is quite sure how to relate to you.

You don't want to be brutally sad. I don't feel like this needs much of a defense. No one wants to be miserable all the time, letting everything get to you, drag you down. This is unhealthy, straight up. The kind of people you attract when you are eternally miserable are the exact kind of people who will show you new ways to reach lower lows. Complaining is exhausting.

The solution?

Hapathy: A certain type of apathy that achieves happiness.

If you are walking the middle road between uberhappy and ubersad, this road is called apathy. But not sad apathy. Just plain apathy. This is a comforting feeling. Quiet happiness. Emotions carefully guarded, not wearing them on your sleeve. Instead, wear a small smile whenever possible. It's crazy how smiling actually has the effect of making you feel happier. No one needs to know you're happy, really. Unless they want to know, then they'll make some sort of inquiry about how you're doing or just strike up general conversation.

The minute I stopped showing blatant and immediate interest in random people, they started showing interest in me. It's remarkable, really, that it's the guy who really doesn't care who gets the girl. And the girl who shows immediate interest in you is considered 'easy' and avoided. We like the challenge of breaking through people's hapathy. It's attractive, I suppose. How depressing is that?

Caution: there are side effects when a naturally curious, talkative, bold, social person (such as..oh i dunno, me) makes an attempt to show some restraint, who begins to filter what he says, using discretion, and trying not to be open, blunt. The major side effect? It's easier and a more justifiable strategy to be dishonest. Lies are the basis of avoiding confrontation as well as meaningful interaction. "How are you? Good. Oh..okay..thanks for lying. We both know that's not true. But at least we don't have to talk about it."

 I hate it. I hate that it works. But the result is that I don't freak people out. I don't come across creepy because I simply showed some platonic interest. Because CREEPY people are the ones who talk to you in class even though you don't know them. Hapathy works because then THEY make the first contact. Well, this is an ongoing investigation, so don't quote me on anything here. I'm not after anything here. I'm not pursuing anyone or anything... I'm just saying, putting up some fences seems to encourage people to climb them, tear them down, as long as it's on their terms.

(Photo Credit: Mark Persinger)

I bore myself these days, so there's not a lot of incentive to write. Sorry. I guess you'll just have to pay attention in class for a change.

We are recording right now, and I'll be super excited to share it with all of yous guys when we finish. Spicy Song of The Week tomorrow.

Spicy Song Of The Week

Many times in the last few months, people have come to our house, and a curious thing might happen. You'll knock on the door (or just walk in if you know how things work around here) and take off your shoes, and stop. "What's that sound?" you say. They hear crashing sounds from the depths of our basement, bull in a china shop style. Josh in a candy store style. Josh anywhere style. But it's not Josh, since he is standing at the door along with you. So what's that curious, loud, obnoxious chaos echoing from the basement.

"Oh that's Darcy."

"Darcy...doing what?"

"Making music."

"That's making music?"

As the cymbals continue to crash.

Mhm. It's true. Darcy can spend up to six hours locked in the basement with the same recording gear we used for Faith In Shadows, recording track after track, layering them all. Over the last few months, he has created This week's Spicy Song Of The Week.

Sometimes, I'll be making food and I didn't even know he was home. Then he'll come running up the stairs, in grubby clothes, unshaven for weeks, and says "Josh, I'm about to make a ridiculous amount of noise." and I say "should I be quiet while you record?" and he turns and looks at me, eyes flickering back and forth as his synapses fire 5x faster than ours ever will. Halfway down the stairs again, he says darkly, "It won't make a difference." Minutes later, he's smashing cymbals like crazy. Once he came upstairs, stole a couch cushion, and retreated again. We never saw that cushion again.

But it was all worth it! I present to you a song that I'm not even sure how many hours it took to create, but it's pretty unique and complex. A six minute and 12 second epic song by a musical genius. For other work, check out our band, Walking Backwards. Be sure to let him know what you think :-)

Limited And/Yet Blind

Darcy Cordell

Someone tell me why.

What is it with old people standing on the street corners. Not begging. Not reading. Not lost. Just standing. What's up with that?  What is it is that they see that I don't? What is it that they want to see? What are they looking for? Perhaps one day I'll walk up to one of them and stand alongside them, stand there and look in the same direction, and try and find what they have found, or at least search with them. I envision a very similar scene to Colin Farrell from the movie In Bruges (watch it and you'll understand).

J: Hey [ I walk up and stand beside Old man]

Old Man: Hello...

J: [ I bury my face up to my eyes in my coat ] Man, it's cold today.

Old Man: Minus 4, minus 8 with the windchill...

J: [I know he probably checked first thing this morning just before doing the crossword over a bowl of porridge] Newspaper say that?

Old Man: Should be warmer tomorrow. Chinook, I'd say.

J: Ah. ....................................What you doin?

[not even for a second does he seem to shift his glance towards me. His eyes are fixated, yet seem to be unfocused. I realise he could be blind. Maybe he was just trying to get the mail, and ended up here all alone. Lost, but unaware of his curious circumstance. I feel bad.]

Old Man: Looking...watching....waiting.

J: For what exact---

Old Man: Shhh. You'll see.

 J: [now he's got me curious. I have to know. I stand and wait...watch...look.] Umm..okay.

Suddenly, a squirrel plops out of the tree. He has a peanut in his mouth. I safely assume that this old man has been feeding this squirrel a peanut every day for several years, and that other squirrels get jealous and treat this squirrel badly because of this special treatment. A smile faintly stretches the creased and weathered skin of the old man. The squirrel cautiously approaches the road, not 15 feet from where we stand right across the street. It's like the squirrel is coming TO the man. No way. The two lock eyes briefly, then the man looks down, frowning.

J: what? what's happening?

Old Man: It's...it's time.

J: HOLY. WHAT is it time for?

Old Man: [reconfigures his facial expression into a quiet determined grimace] Just...watch.

The squirrel immediately ran out into the street, heading straight for the old man. But no--wait! There's a car coming! Stop squirrel! Old man! Dooo sommethiinnngggg! ---THWUMP

The unforgiving treads of the Jeep carried on down the road, leaving a brown lump motionless in its path, peanut a half meter away. The Old man slightly limps to the middle of the road and kneels. He reaches for the peanut, picks it up, and puts it securely in his coat pocket. I stand at the curb, glancing both ways to make sure another car doesn't make a second victim of the old man, unsure of what to do. The old man turns, and finally looks at me.

Old Man: Look up!

[I look up]

Old Man: You see them?

J: What?

Old Man: the geese!

J: uhh--yeah..?

Old Man: [returns to stand beside me] Well my brothers nephew-in-law once went to a small town up north for some hiking. he says there were hundreds of them all huddled in a pond.

J: [mucho confused] but..the squirrel...what was that all about?

Old Man: of course, Robert was much younger then. He's a pilot now. Barbara on the other hand still goes outside for hikes once in a while, but her asthma gets the best of her. The doctor told her she should use an inhaler but those damn things weren't around when I was young. Scam, is what they are. Once Alan died, Barbara's cousin had to move in to keep her company. Funerals are expensive you know, and such a bore.......

J: Who's Alan?--Wait--but...but?? THE SQUIRRELLL!

Old Man: ...the diabetes in manageable, though I find it difficult going pee all the time--of course that's the medication.....

He clearly doesn't care or notice whether I am there or not, and continues to talk as I back away slowly. There were no answers here. Only more questions.  I shake my head and go home.

I think it's safe to say, that no one will ever know why these old people do what they do. All I know is, I'm sure in 40 years, I'll catch you doing the same thing. Just look both ways, please, before you cross. And keep a few peanuts handy. And I don't care about Alan.