Rules For Deleting Facebook Friends

SO you're looking through your friend list, inviting people to your ugly sweater christmas party, open house, or concert, and your brain hurts from trying to filter through your contacts, carefully avoiding elementary school friends, people from other countries, and awkward ex-girlfriend's ex-friends who you never really liked anyways. It brings up a very important question: When is it okay to delete facebook friends? Because to insult someone you don't want to be friends with anyways: what a horrible thing to do.

Well my friend Marya has grappled with this question for some time, and eventually developed a set of guidelines that made her feel better about friend purging. Legend has it she once deleted 200 friends in one sitting, so she knows how it's done right. Listen up, and you too can become fake-friend-free in no time. And I quote:

"if at least 2 of the following are true...

a) we've never spoken since they added me (via facebook or in person)
b) I don't recognize the name within 10 seconds
c) when I go to their page, I also don't recognize their face
d) we never had any kind... of relationship BEFORE they added me
e) they're not family
f) they probably wouldn't notice for many months, if ever, that we're no longer friends
g) I feel nauseous when any kind of news feed from this person shows up on my page
h) I DON'T KNOW THEM
i) we're friends through someone else ONLY... and would avoid eye contact if that mutual friend were not present

... it likely doesn't make sense that we're facebook friends."

I can easily name at least 5 people for any option. But if I deleted all of them, i'd have about 22 friends on facebook, give or take 19. Soooo I'll just let it be. Also, please don't read this and defriend me. Not cool. My ego can't take it.

Please Don't...

I understand that a facebook rant is a dime a dozen in the blogosphere.

So what? 

Those 'suggestions' in facebook are pretty irritating. Sometimes when I'm frustrated, I just "X" through them as fast as possible yelling "screw you facebook" over and over. Please don't tell me how to run my social life. Don't tell me who should be my friend, which bands I should be a fan of.

Now they've added a new type:

"RECONNECT with (so and so)."

What are you saying, Facebook? Do you think that maybe 'so and so' is wishing I'd write her a message so as to break some awkward silence that's developed? I hope 'so and so' isn't feeling offended right now. Gee, Facebook, thanks for giving me a social tip.

I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings, so I decided to take Fbook's advice, just in case:

Hey Leah,

I know we haven't talked in a year and a half. I hear you're married. Good times? Um..I know this is pretty random, but you probably saw Facebook suggesting that you 'reconnect' with me too, and I knew that if we both just 'X'ed it out, then we'd feel a little awkward, wondering why we are still facebook friends. I mean, don't you live in Utah now? How's the weather? Call me if you're in town, we'll chill again...although we never really did anyways..lol.

But anyways, if you wanna delete me, that's cool. This ball is in your court. Laterzzzz.

Yeah...I hope you're happy facebook. Lame advice    :-(

And rant part two: don't add me as a friend based on these suggestions. I'll know that's how it went down, because you didn't send me a message telling me how much you've missed me or asking how life is. You'll just out of the blue add me, and then expect to fade back into social oblivion. No way man. You've now forced me to DECLINE your request, AND send you a message saying:

Hey,

I think it's safe to say that we've managed all these years without finding one reason to talk. I mean, we never even talked in highschool, so why should we talk now? And clearly the answer is "no, we don't need to talk" since you didn't have any reason to write me a message or even a note when you added me. But hey man, I ain't mad or anything...but I ain't your friend, either.

J

PS, check out my blog, read it all, and my band has a facebook page (become a fan!), come to my shows, and definitely buy a CD. 

:D

Aight? Cool. Nice to hear from you!

.... :D

C'mon people, Facebook can be a good thing. Enough is enough.

Let's not let it go down the potty. 

( HAH. POOP!)

Flying Lessons

I was randomly creeping my own facebook profile, and rediscovered this old gem of an album. Thought I'd share, in case anyone out there is in need of a chuckle. I hope you like it. If you don't, that's not okay.

Show me 'Flying Lessons'!

(captions are essential)

I encourage you to view this album in class, as it will be extremely distracting for your fellow students.

Facebook can be really dumb

I've started cutting people out of my newsfeed on facebook. It's the people who love their boyfriends/girlfriends to death and feel the need to tell everyone and have long conversations with each other about who is more amazing. It's the people who play that farming game. It's the people who post photos of them and their love smiling or kissing or cuddling. Seriously, people, that's going too far. I don't need to log into facebook in class and everyone around me is thinking "WHAT is he looking at?". That's embarrassing. For me and for these clingy couples. Let me Facebook in peace.

Now, I don't mind the occasional "WOW i'm dating a cool person" status, 'cause it's good to know that there are happy people out there... but let's keep it short (and G-rated).

Aight?


Check this link out for another example of cringe-worthy facebooking.