The Winnings and Woes of Wanderings in Winter Weather.

The title to this post is the best part. Just stop reading. You've seen all you need to see.

So my parents have bestowed upon me, for the time being, a nifty Ford Windstar. It's not the coolest car, and it's not in perfect shape, but gosh darn it's cold outside sometimes, and it's nice to get things done more quickly. So for that I am thankful. However, due to unknown demons that tend to possess Fords (the last Ford my family owned basically exploded minutes after we parked it in the garage one day), the heating has failed. For all I know, it failed in July, but I didn't try to use it until December. This sucks in more ways than one.

I now have to scrape off the ice (with my Safeway card) on the outside of the car, as well as the inside. Oh but it gets worse. I have to wear an extra coat while driving. Yesterday I forgot my coat in the car and this morning when I went to go get it, it was crunchy. Frozen solid.  And since my car is perma-cold, the windows tend to freeze up and the buttons don't work. Not a big deal in the winter, since I tend to avoid driving with the windows down... but the severity of this problem makes itself clear in the following story.

I had to take the car in for an oil change. Having never had a car before, I wasn't entirely sure how the whole process worked. Where do I go? What do I say? How long can I pretend I know everything about cars before the mechanic realizes I'm more useless than a baby trying to tame a lion (imagine that. just kidding...don't)? I was on my way to Minit Lube when suddenly I realised that perhaps if I got a carwash, maybe he'd think that I was a little bit better than average Joe one car over. Yes, I'd have to get a carwash. Stopped at Petro Canada, and went into the station to buy a carwash code, which I would have to punch into the magical box at the door to the automated carwash and then it would go bloop and bleep and magically roll my car forward into the abyss of soapy suds and blue cloth monsters. Got my ticket, and took my car to the entrance. Already, it had frosted up again, so I could barely see. I managed to pull up to the magical box, and rolled down my window to punch in the code. Bloop. Beep. Roll forward.

WAIT!

My window! It won't go up!! There was a car directly behind me so I couldn't reverse to fight the track I was rolling along. I punched the button again and again, still creeping ahead into the chaotic blue mess of doom. What do I do? I considered bailing. The car may get soaked, but I didn't need to be. But no. I refuse to 'that guy' who they'll tell stories about at dinner parties saying "I was sitting in line for the car wash and ahead of me, some guy jumped out of his car just before the car went in! He let his car go through the wash without him in it. What a punk. Kids these days." Instead, I was forced to use my secret weapon in order to save the car and myself from certain disaster: Yelling and pushing that button REALLY hard.

pushpushpush!GGGYYYYYAAAAAAAARRRRAAAAAGGGHHHHHHAAAAAA!pushpushpushpush!

Slowly, the window clunked up, in jagged, uneven movements just as the water started to spray my front bumper. Relief swept over me, and I collapsed into my frosty seat, letting the storm of bubbles and car-shaking water jets do their work.

Glistening and sparkly, I left the carwash to get my oil change. The first thing he said is "Your hood is frozen shut. That's what happens when you get a car wash in minus 15."  Thanks buddy. I did it for you. He told me the oh-my-goodness-your-car-needs-more-than-just-an-oil-change story and I replied with "oh i'm sure" and got some sort of engine flush thing too. All in all, he explained the inner workings of my car and how this doo hickey has an intake valve and the cylinder bone connects to the piston bone lalala and I stood their saying "oh yeah mmhmm" and asked his name and Reed told me have a good day and I shook Reed's greasy hand, and I shivered all the way home and dreamt of warmer places where buttons always worked and cars were free and the only greasy things were delicious hamburgers and chicken fingers. Cars freak me out sometimes. Expensive business, too-- cars blowing up, rebuilding the garage, finding another place to live, getting an oil change.

Just remember, you can't afford a ford.

Tonight, I stay home and drink tea. IMPORTED tea. None of this domestic nonsense.