Oh I'd say this happens about once a week...

The first thing I noticed was the peculiar way she held her pen. I wondered how she actually managed to write anything legibly with her head tilted to one side, elbow sticking out, and the pen grasped in her hand like it weighed as much as her textbook. I'm sure she saw me looking at her as I waited for my Starbucks drink to be made. I didn't meet her gaze, but looked down with what probably came across as a polite smile. I talked with the staff, who know me by name, and then I went and found a seat. It wasn't a complete accident that I chose a spot so that my view of her wasn't blocked, though the place was full enough that my options were limited. It felt a little bit creepy, but she caught me accidentally gazing at her a few times and answered with the exact same polite smile and then we'd both look at our laptops again. So pretty, great smile, and not stuck up.

She had a university binder, a mac book, and a study buddy. Damn you, study buddy. You only make it easier for me to make excuses not to make a move. She was intently studying, and I should have been, but we both kept looking up, listening to the surrounding conversations, not really enjoying this academic monotony.

I knew I wasn't going to get anything done while she was there. She kept looking over and I'd pretend not to notice. She held my gaze for at least three seconds when she stood up to order another drink. Damn it Josh. DO something! What is it you think you have to lose?! She was so pretty, and not so shy that she would avoid interaction with strangers.

I daydreamed of the idea of just going up and talking to her. But what would I say? You always see in the movies there's that hot european guy who's sitting talking with some American blonde and he's stumbling to find the right words in his limited English vocabulary to tell her some simplistic fact or give a weak compliment. And the girl is all like "oh he's so cute trying passionately to speak to me. I don't even care what he's trying to say, it's the thought that counts." But you know, if I were trying to say something to this girl, and I stumbled on my words, she'd think I was an idiot. I don't get that grace period of 50-100 words to stutter something that might actually be interesting and/or witty. I'd sooner write a note and turn it into a paper airplane, fly it across starbucks than go over there, and if I didn't trip and fall, I'd start sputtering something about exams-um how's studying-whatcha drinking..-er--hi i'm Josh. I don't even know what would happen next.

They say it never hurts to ask, and that's true. But it's the answer that can kill.

And I guess for today, I'd rather think I was an idiot for not trying, than for her and her cursed study buddy to think I was an idiot for being nervous about a pretty girl. It's a good thing I don't have to pay for these Starbucks drinks, because I feel like each one represents a missed opportunity just because I don't have the guts to make a fool of myself. Idiot. I hate the waiting game. I'd rather make things happen. If I knew what I could have done, I might have done something. I bet she would have been totally up for it too. Idiot.

And it's not like I had this confidence once. The only real relationship I've been in almost happened by accident. We did not technically know it was a date until I MSN'd her two hours before and said "wait..so are you considering this a date?" since we'd actually planned it as a bunch of friends getting together and going to a movie, but neither of us actually invited these friends, "Cuz I am." And she replied "yeh."

Whoa Josh. Nice one. You really made that happen.What were you, 16 years old?

...Yes.

My confidence was never broken, because it was never built in the first place. The best I've gotten is a 'yeh'.

Gah. She left. Screw this. I'm out.

This final essay is not getting done until tomorrow. Progress in life today: ZERO.

Although I did enjoy this drink.