The Curse of the Holey Shoe! YAR!

It does sound like a pirate movie, don't it? Some pirate adventure featuring Johnny Depp as a cunning peg-legged sailor who needs a shoe for his one non-peg foot. But as it turns out, there's only one place you can buy a SINGLE shoe: and it's an island fiercely guarded by an evil black witch who threatens to curse the shoe of anyone who only orders ONE. Because it's just not cool to do that.

But I ain't no pirate. Though if I was, I'd probably have an awesome pirate name like Scabby-eyed Sam, or Cold-hearted Crawdad. Jangled-Jugular Josh. Or just Bill.

YYAR!!

anyways...

I wanted to rant a little bit. "Shoe Karma" is killin' me. For the last 3 years, every pair of shoes I've ever bought has suddenly and mysteriously gotten holes in them within a couple weeks of me owning them. Other important fact: I've never spent more than $30 on a pair of shoes... until NOW.

DUN DUN DUN

After slyly coaxing me into a shoe store to "just have a look around", my friends convinced me to ORDER a pair of SEVENTY THREE DOLLAR SHOES that would arrive at my DOOR STEP in THREE DAYS.

OUTRAGEOUS. I would never do a thing like that. Not this guy. I wear the shoes right off my feet before I buy new ones.

But it's all in the hopes that spending more money means they will keep the water on the outside.

So they arrived. And they look good. And I like them. But my feet are so used to being soaked that I'm actually psychologically tricked into thinking that I'm still walking in puddles. Dry feet? What's that like?

Also, remember how I needed new jeans? Well I was told by the fashion police that until I bought new shoes, I couldn't buy new jeans, as they need to be coordinated. Who the heck makes all these rules? I'm have no fashion inclination at all. Thank goodness I have friends to help me spend my money, right? Right....

Hmph.

And now, a shoe-themed song I wrote.

THE NO SHOES BLUES

By Josh.

Hey, have you seen my shoes?
Without them, packing's no use
I'm off for a world trip
But I won't let my socks rip
So hey, have you seen my shoes?

I found 'em and I put ;em on
(left on the left foot, right on the right)
I walked out the front door singin' a song
As I went to board my flight:

Shoes!
I'd go nowhere if it weren't for you
These shoes!
Keepin' my feet from a-turnin' all
Blue from the cold and red from the heat
Shoes, shoes, I love you with all of my feet!

The thing about travellin' and walkin' around
Eventually these shoes were worn right down
Sahara stole the soles
Himalayas heisted m'heels
O Lament! I Can't control
This madness, ungladness, and sadness i feel!

Knots in these laces
The tongue's all a-choked
I'd love to trade places
With a newly-shoed bloke

But i couldn't throw 'em out
Or just toss em in the street
I wore on these worn shoes
--wore 'em right off my feet

One fateful day in some sunny summer sun
I was trekkin' on concrete and havin' some fun
When I felt my feet burnin'--my shoes were long gone
Shoutin' "Oh! Ah!" and "OUCH!" I broke into a run

My feet took me fastly and far
Despite the stubbed toes (that no doubt would scar)
from deep in my throat i sang of my woes
in a melancholic minor key this is how it goes:

Shoes!
I'm no one an' nowhere without you
No shoes to keep my toes from a-turnin'
All blue from the cold and red from the heat
Shoes, Shooooees, i loved you--with all of my feet!

____
Anyone else noticing how much time I've spent writing about shoes?